Trudging along

So moving. It's stressful. Things happen you don't foresee, both good & bad. I realized I hadn't been going to enough meetings before I left because I got a little crazed during the move. So the minute I got here, ok, the next day, I started going to meetings. I haven't been in California quite 2 months yet but I already have a great group of AA girlfriends, a new sponsor and am working on my 4th step. I KNEW I needed to get to working on steps quickly because I needed to work thru the crazy.
See I've been struggling because besides the stress of moving there is the stress of no money and looking for a job. I hate looking for a job. I hate the whole "pick me, pick me" mentality and feeling like the girl on the playground again. I hate selling myself and trying to make my spotty job history from my drinking days not look so spotty or irresponsible or undependable, especially now that I'm not that girl. Cause I'm not THAT girl anymore. And while I'm running around applying for this, that and the other job, I'm stuffing the fear and homesickness I'm feeling because I'm scared to feel them right now because I worry about teetering on the edge of 'darkness'. I keep thinking I'll deal with those feelings when I'm in a good i've-got-a-job place. Well guess what? I don't think that is the way it's going to happen. I think I need to deal with them now. Partly because they are being blatantly thrown in my face this week.
See one of my new friends here just lost her husband this weekend. I truly believe that one of the reasons I'm not gainfully employed yet is so I can help her thru this time. But helping her means that I also have to face my own past because the memories are flooding in. But I've faced this past before so I know it won't consume me. Just like I know that I don't have the luxury of being depressed or homesickness consume me anymore. I don't know why I try to stuff it, but I do. Old habits maybe. Fear definitely. And then I get mad at myself for having fear of the unknown when it's all new because I'm doing it all sober now. And do you see how I've turned what's happening to my friend into how it's affecting ME? LOL! Hi. I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic. A SELFISH alcoholic. It is all about me right?
Anyway, what I wanted to say was how much I LOVE this program because I had the greatest conversation with her this morning about how she didn't feel like drinking because she KNEW that wouldn't make it better and that was the same feeling I had when my mom died when I was 2 months sober. How these things really are easier to just walk thru than stuff down deep inside. So while I have incredible sympathy for her and what she will be going thru in the next few months, I'm incredibly proud of her and her actions in this moment. And I miss my mom, my sister, my nana, my old routine and that's OK! I realized a while ago that homesickness is really just not wanting to walk thru whatever you are going thru at the time. It's wanting to go back to a place of certainty and familiarity. And someday THIS moment might be what is familiar.

Do You Trust Yourself?

One of my greatest fears in life is that I'll end up old or sick or both, living on the street, no one caring if I'm alive or dead or knowing I even exist let alone caring. Living under some bridge and eating out of dumpsters or in some broken down apartment eating cat food in order to pay for medicine. I know it sounds a bit crazy but you hear those stories on tv or in fictional shows or various places. I always think "what happened to their families?" Well my family has been dying off for years now and while I have some relatives I wouldn't call us close. So I worry what would happen to me if I was down and out again.
Why I have this fear I'm not really sure. Maybe because I've always had Nana (& Papa at one time) to fall back on and open their purse strings. Or my mom. They were always my soft place to fall and with Nana going to the nursing home and the sale of this house that 'place' will be gone. No more safety net to catch me. And while I think this should have happened YEARS ago, it's also a bit terrifying for me. Can I take care of myself when I'm not taking care of someone else? I mean, I've been taking care of Nana pretty much since I got sober and before that taking care of me, well I didn't always do so well in that department.
But that was then & this is now.
Now I'm sober and I've grown up a little.
At least I hope so.
Because now the only thing that will keep me from falling down the rabbit hole is myself. And God.
But last weeks events taught me a few things.
First & foremost it taught me to trust in my instincts. I KNOW when it's a good time to leave, or not to go at all. I know how to listen to my gut now and not ignore it. I KNOW what I need and what I need to do in times of trouble. And times when life is good. I KNOW that no matter how weird I feel that this to shall pass and I can just keep walking on thru to the other side. I already KNOW what that life is all about for me and that I don't want to be a part of it anymore. Active using equals depression and paranoia and fear and anxiety and soul sickness and lack of instincts and no self-esteem for me. Sobriety equals light and faith and self-awareness and good gut instincts and a higher power carrying me when needed. Sobriety does not mean an easy road, but it does mean I can handle whatever comes my way.
And despite the difficulties I encountered last week, all the feelings I didn't expect to have, I came through, sober. And I learned that I can trust myself to do the right thing. Finally.

Overwhelmed

Tonight I went to a gathering of all our old gang for my friends funeral tomorrow. I was actually excited to go and it was really great to see everyone. Many of these people I haven't seen in 12+ years. Some a little more, some a little less. I remembered everyone there which was something I was worrying a bit about. Sometimes, ok lots of times, I can't put the face with the name. I spent most of my time talking to her sister who is also a friend of mine & who informed me that she was tired of having things in common with me: our birthdays are close and now we have both lost our sister plus a few other similarities along the way. Luckily we've both also been able to be there for each other.
Ultimately it was exactly what I needed it to be I think. I got to see everyone. I got to spend a bit of time with Missy's sister & her mother. And I left when I thought it was time to leave and not a moment later. Suddenly I saw this bottle of Crown looking all pretty and sparkly and I don't even like Crown and I'd noticed the wine was flowing more freely & I knew the kiddos would need bed soon which meant mom & dads leaving and probably everyone else would be off to some bar. And there was a bit of sniffling. It is allergy season. But that is NOT what it made me think of. And so I found myself standing off from everyone & knew it was time to say my goodbyes.
I wasn't ready for all the emotions I would have after I left. The mood was somber there for the most part. Everyone happy to see each other but definitely affected by the circumstances. But while I have all those emotions I also had the emotions of being mad I was alcoholic. Wishing I could drink with them. Wishing I didn't have to separate myself. Knowing that I'm glad that life is behind me. Sad for multiple reasons. It's weird to be sad you can't drink & yet glad you don't at the same time. And then I realized that that part of my life is over and that made me sad too. Another realization was most of the time with that group I didn't feel totally like I fit in. While I was a part, I never totally felt a part. Actually Missy was one of the ones that always made me feel a part of. But I'm different. My life is different. And I like who I am. But sometimes I miss parts of who I used to be. Not that insecure girl or the girl at the end but that other one. But her fun loving spirit can live on in the girl I am now and it does, just in a different way. Tomorrow I'll have a whole new set of emotions to deal with I'm sure. As long as I deal with them and don't try to cover them up.

All That I'm Feeling & The One Thing I'm NOT!

It's been a hard day. Hell, it's been a hard week. This week I've found myself annoyed/angry/irritated on more than one occasion. I've shed tears more days than not and almost all of today. I've had trouble finding my center. I've been judgy when it was least appropriate (although I know it's never appropriate). And today I was overcome with grief.
I've been grieving all week really. Things are starting to happen and change and while I've been waiting for this moment and I'm excited for what is next, I'm still sad to put what I have behind me so to speak. But today's grief came at the loss of an old good friend. One of my old cohorts. While I haven't seen her in a couple of years it still hit me hard. She was a single mom and she left behind a little boy. And I know the pain that little boy will feel because my daddy died on Friday before Mother's Day also. And I know the sadness her sister will feel because I too have lost my only sister. In fact these 2 sisters were there for me when my sister died. And so today I grieved for Missy. And I grieved for her son, and her sister. I grieved for my sister and my father and my mother. I'm grieving for my life as I know it so that I can make room for what my life will become.  But while I was praying today I realized there was something I wasn't 'feeling' and that was the desire to drink or use. See in the past that would have been my first response. I probably would have popped another pill to calm my nerves (check out of my feelings) as soon as I heard. But not now. Now I get to feel it all. And I CAN feel it all and while I don't like it, it's not scary anymore. I know my feelings won't crush me. This to shall pass and I am the miracle happening at this very moment.

You Spot It You Got It

Nana has a UTI (urinary tract infection). Wednesday morning she woke up and couldn't remember why I was at her house and where my mom was or what my Uncle looked like. I told her that mom was gone and she broke down like it had just happened. Ops! She did remember that Papa was gone. I didn't know what the day would hold. But slowly that afternoon she started acting ok. Well, Thursday morning was more of the same. And then the afternoon came & I swear she was in the running for a Best Actress nod for an Imaginary Drama! She even produced real tears for something that she had totally dreamed up. See she is convinced that her diapers are cutting off her legs. I gave her some ice cream and the situation suddenly turned around. 
Today the ice cream didn't work. Today I luckily caught myself before answering &  just told her that mom wasn't here (she didn't ask yesterday luckily). I have a REALLY hard time with the whining. This also immediately makes me wonder how much I whine! You know that old AA saying: You spot it, you got it. I guess I'm probably whining now huh? See I've never really thought of myself as someone that was very patient. And I admittedly lose my temper rather quickly upon occasion. Granted this has improved greatly with sobriety & being a caregiver, but it still happens. I have a hard time sometimes with her not being an adult since she lives in an adult body, for the most part still anyway. I lost my temper because of the whining. And I get mad at myself for reacting. And I want to run away and leave this VERY HARD SITUATION behind. And then the quilt sets in. I swear I'm really Jewish or Catholic for the guilt I've felt in life. But honestly I'm doing the best I can. I got on the floor on my hands and knees and tried to turn it over to God. I could have 3ish more weeks of her acting this way because of this infection. I can't hold it together by myself. Only God can do it for me. So I'm hoping that this next week it's just His footprints in that sand. It was a bad day. Tomorrow is a new one. Hey, it's almost Nana's bedtime!

Grateful

Today I was overwhelmed by emotion.
Mainly gratitude.
Gratitude to God for progress, not perfection.
Gratitude for growth because of sobriety.
Gratitude that last week when my past was shoved in my face that I took it like an adult. I didn't like it, but I could see why the person was acting the way they were. I could see this because I have acted that way. I might act that way again someday too.
Gratitude that I could admit my mistakes and still hold my head up high.
See last week a conversation didn't really go my way. Some hurtful things were said to me. I stood up for myself which was major progress with this person. They usually are able to condense me to a pile of ruble in no time. But I didn't get mean & ugly back. I didn't throw at them all the things that has made me angry over the last 4 years. Hell, over the last 40 years. I stood up for myself without having to take them down. I wasn't always that way. Although I cried, and cried for many reasons, ultimately I could see what was driving the defensiveness and meanness that ensued.  I accepted this persons opinion although I did not agree. I trusted that I had done that right thing and was doing the right thing in the future. I was going about my plans in the right way too. I knew that I had to trust in my higher power because we had already talked about my decision. I've been listening. His answer has been consistent so there was nothing more I could do but trust so I did.
Today fences were mended. Transgressions forgiven. Futures planned. Bonds healed. Love & acceptance validated.  All because of faith and trust. ALL because of my higher power.
And for that I am grateful.

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

I didn't use to have many boundaries. A few but not many. I certainly didn't have them when it came to what came out of my mouth. I thought it was funny for a long time just saying what I thought.  Most of the time I was still holding back some too. People thought I was vulgar or had no tact and I thought they needed to get over themselves and that if people were more honest with each other than the world would be a better place.  I still think that truly, but now I realize the value of a little white lie or at least skirting the issue or of no response at all.  The ability of artfully changing the subject can be a wonderful skill. Twice this past week though I've pushed a little farther than I should have even though all the flags were raising in my head to stop. I ignored them and soldiered onward and both times I got a taste of my own medicine. A giant slap in the face of the truth as others saw it, and after some thought, I saw it too. 
First I let someone tell me that my personality invites trouble. I didn't really know what he meant at the time so I asked him to elaborate. This from a man that takes pleasure in causing controversy and seeing others squirm or angered.  This is his entertainment.  I know better than to engage with this person but here I was asking for him to explain himself. Now his reasoning I did not agree with and at first I was mad as he well thought I would be I'm sure. How dare he say that. He didn't understand. But yet he did exactly understand and so did I because by engaging in this conversation with him and ASKING him to elaborate I was definitely inviting trouble. I was letting him tell me about me when the man has never even asked me a question about myself.
The next episode started out of my need to feel better about myself and instead had the opposite effect.  I let some of my old behaviors show up. There are parts of me that I haven't really had to deal with much in sobriety yet living where & how I do.  See I thought I'd moved past this insecurity of being liked and wanted and I was glaringly reminded tonight that I am no where near being past that. Maybe I'll never be. I doubt I will ever be. But once again I ignored the flags raising in my head. Not once but 2 or 3 times I ignored them and pushed my toe into the water a little more each time. I let this person hurt my feelings.  Someone that hasn't even asked one question about me. But he saw my picture and decided that I was not only older but also out of shape and carrying some extra weight. Yes I'm overweight. It's certainly not something I like about myself but I am trying to change it. How he said it wasn't really mean but the sentiment was very clear. I let something fun go to far because I wasn't sure how to make that boundary and I ignored all the warning signs and I got my little feelings hurt.  But I'm not even mad at him.  He was being who he was, just as I had always been in the past. As he said, "I'm just stating the truth" and that he was. But the truth hurts sometimes. Me saying I'm aging and overweight is one thing. You telling me I am is completely another. See we have the little white lies we tell ourselves too.  Those are probably the most dangerous ones. I KNOW I'm overweight but my head says I'm not THAT fat.  I don't look like THAT! My head says I still have a pretty face (despite my double chin).  I take my picture to hide my body or my double chin as much as possible. That's the lie I try to tell to the world. 
The scene left me literally speechless. Spouting rude retorts didn't seem appropriate and any witty comeback left me immediately. I decided to say nothing. End of conversation. I also decided that I needed no future interactions with that person.  I don't need other people bringing me down or just being rude for the sake of being blunt. More lessons to learn.  More work to do. More encouragement to change the things I can. I can't change the aging. It's a part of life and I'm happy with that part so far. But I can and am trying to change the weight, the way I let others affect my feelings about myself, the way I listen to the red flags and the warning signs, the way I work on my recovery.  Those are things I can change.

The hardest thing

The night my mom & I had to turn off my sister's life support, well I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever do. And at the time it was, but I also knew at the time that it was the right thing and according to her doctors the only thing to do. Alison would never be the girl she once was and leaving her on life support wouldn't be what she wanted. Plus 4 of 5 doctors said it went against their medical vows to try to further treat her. So that decision had boundaries. And even though I felt a lot of guilt for a long time after that I also knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
Then I gave up drinking and eventually smoking. Now that was difficult in it's own way's for sure but for me neither was a physical dependence at the time. I was certainly mentally dependent on both. And with sobriety came even more smoking at first. No one there was going to nag me about smoking. But I'd always said I'd have to give up alcohol/drugs to quit smoking so smoking more, which I was, seemed a little ridiculous and I got sick and I quit. Now I did relapse one weekend but I stopped everything again just a couple of days later. Those acts were hard but it's been staying sober at times that has probably been the hardest. Learning to live with my feelings and actions and dealing with life on life's terms. There are still many times I'd like to check out of my feelings but now I just take a nap, say a prayer and they usually pass.
But here I am again. Making difficult decisions. I don't really LIKE making hard choices. I want to know what the future holds first. But we all know that's not the way it goes. We have to make hard choices on blind faith. That's what is different now in my decision making. Today I have the faith. Today I can also feel it in my gut. When I choose to move here a little over 4 years ago, just recently sober, I had resisted for a while but God was pretty much leaving me no other choices. And when I finally made the decision things just started falling into place. I also shed a lot of tears which I didn't understand at the time but later realized I was grieving. Grieving the dreams and ideals I had when I was drinking. I know, what drunk has dreams and ideals, but I think for a lot of us the lack of achievement of those dreams and ideals helps us on our path of addiction.
I've made a decision. A hard decision. An even harder decision for me to carry out. But since I made the decision in my soul the doors are opening and the support is unfolding and my soul knows it's right. My emotions on the other hand are going to struggle. I'm going to spend the next few months of carrying out this plan grieving for a lot of things. Even though I know it's right I'm going to struggle with some guilt. Guilt that I'm sure somewhere down the line I'll be able to let go of because I'll be able to finally see, looking back, that it was the right decision to make. But making it and carrying it out are going to be hard. I'm going to grieve. I'm putting my grandmother in a nursing home. I had hoped God wouldn't make me make this decision. That He'd make it easy on me and let her pass in the night. That might still happen and I largely think God needed ME to come to this point for Him to carry on. I think He's been waiting on me to catch up because I've known for a while now that Nana hasn't still been here for herself. She's still been here for me. And maybe the others. Maybe I need to leave so they can have their time with her. I don't have that answer yet.
What I know right now today in this moment is it's going to be hard. Hard to give up the most consistent place in my life, this home and that woman. With that is the end of tradition and security and a sense of safety and roots. Lives will be cleaned out, boxed up and many things discarded. Loved animals will have to be given away. Many difficult decisions and moments lie in my future. Right now it will be the hardest thing. To say goodbye. To walk away. To pursue my future. To learn to stand on my own & face the unknown. I'm scared. I'm excited. I have hope. I have fears. But for once my FAITH in the future outweighs all those fears and this is a spot I haven't really experienced much before. But my soul knows it's right. My soul knows it's going to also be difficult. Is it the hardest thing I'll ever do? I don't know. I know it will be the hardest thing I do right now.

Hoarders

So tonight I watched Hoarders on A&E for the first time. I'd caught glimpses of the show before but never watched a whole episode. I thought I would find it difficult to watch and I did. My mom was a hoarder. I grew up in a house like some of those. Not near as bad as many but without my sister and I it could have been. The second episode was a woman named Augustine. I can say without doubt that if my mother hadn't died she would have eventually became Augustine. I guess it's difficult to watch because of the shame I felt. The shame when my friends came over and our house was a wreck. Obviously it wasn't as bad as some of the episodes that air because I wouldn't have let friends over at all. There were times though. And there was a room you could never get into. And then we got roaches. And my mom's sickness got worse after my sister died. I turned farther into drugs and alcohol and my mom turned farther into shopping. And if I'm honest I have some of the shopping problem myself. I recently started keeping a check register even for my debit cards because I'm tired of being financially irresponsible. I have a seriously long way to go & it's the one thing that still holds lots of shame for me. I've come a long way already because I have to make sure that Nana is taken care of and I don't like telling her we don't have something. But sometimes I have to and that's ok when I've been doing the right thing. It's hard when I haven't. And I know to be a better, happier me then I have to get rid of the shame. I felt so sorry for those kids tonight, grown or otherwise, because even if you are grown that person is still your family. I wish the show focused a bit on the recovery. At least let us know if 6 months to a year later they were better. I know that there are a lot of layers that trash is covering up.
Intervention was just to much. When that girl was sticking a needle in her neck I just about threw up. I never shot drugs. I knew a few that did but I never liked to even be in the same room. I guess it upsets me because I know what my 'yets' are and I know that is one of them. I know drugs started out as a fun social thing and it wasn't that way down the road. So that's my emotional evening. I made myself keep watching Hoarders because I think there is probably some emotions there that I need to face. Some shame I need to let go of.

Bah Humbug!

I used to love this time of year. I used to enjoy searching for just the right gift for my friends and family members. I especially loved going shopping for my sister. We stuffed each others stockings and it was always my favorite thing to get and my favorite thing to shop for. Since my sister died my mom took up the job and since her death my cousin does it. It's my only surprise and I appreciate her efforts dearly.

But honestly I don't like this time of year anymore. It seems lately that it's just a big reminder of what I don't have anymore. I KNOW I have LOTS to be thankful for, but for some reason I can't seem to get past the loss today. It doesn't make any sense to me how I can be so full of joy as I was last weekend and back to down in the dumps today. I'm blaming it on hormones. Maybe it's all because I'm an alcoholic. I get resentful for all the work involved for such little time together because we can't seem to get away from each other fast enough. We all spend so little actual time together that we have little to talk about when we are together. I hate the strain. I hate missing my mom and sister. I hate decorating the tree by myself. You'd think I'd get some satisfaction out of doing it for Nana and I do a bit, but it's like she knows her best Christmas's are behind her.

I'm whining and I know it. I thought maybe if I put it down here then maybe I could stop running it all in my head because my head isn't fixing my head right now. Well never. lol But I do have hope, hope that I'll get the Christmas magic back someday. I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon and after I just heard this great quote on tv I think if I go have a good cry then maybe I'll feel better.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
~Irving Washington

A LONG time...

I haven't blogged here for a year! WOW! I've wanted to, but there always seems there is something else to do or I really have something to say when I'm already in bed. But I decided I need to start this up again, this blogging about my recovery, because I forget. I forget where I was or what I've already come thru sometimes. Occasionally I find myself acting in ways that I thought I had left behind or in new ways that still aren't healthy. And then I find I've moved so far beyond something and I didn't have a clue that I had. So I'm back. This is totally for me and if anyone happens to stumble across this blog here and it helps them in any way then that will be a bonus. I have things to say. Maybe not profound things, but my story is my story. So we'll see where this year takes us. I just turned 4 years sober. WOW! WOW! WOW! Who woulda thunk? Certainly not me. And while the desire to drink rarely crosses my mind, my thinking still interrupts my progress. Well, not if you go by the mantra that "you're right where you're suppose to be". Gosh I hated hearing that my first year or so. But now I know it's true. I also know these behaviors come up again because some of them I will ALWAYS have to work on. I usually get a little freaky right before my sobriety birthday, but with my recent trip to California the freakiness started after the day. I've been in a rut. In a mood. In pain. Tonight I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and told the one person that could help me work thru this crap, my sponsor. I started my 2nd full 4th step. I've done some spot ones on people as they came up but not a really thorough one. I did the first 2 columns and after the combination of that and talking to my sponsor and admitting that I wasn't fixing myself with my own head, well the weight began to lift. Why do I not ask for help when I so desperately need it? I honestly wasn't willing to admit that I needed it so badly because I just didn't know. So the ball is rolling. Let the healing begin.

3 Years

So today is my 3 year sobriety birthday!
I can't believe it has been that long.
I didn't know it was possible to not drink or use for that long.
I didn't know I would WANT to NOT drink or use for 1,095 days in a row.
I thought people who didn't drink and do drugs were stick in the mud's and usually I didn't want to be friends with you.
I thought people who talked about God were fanatics and needed to loosen up a bit in life.
I heard AA was a cult, exchanging one addiction for another.
I , obviously, thought a lot of things that weren't right.
I remember the 3 days leading up to my first day of sobriety.
I remember the first time I walked into an AA meeting back in August.
I remember that I wanted to do things my way. That I didn't NEED to get rid of ALL my friends, just the ones that sold drugs, not the ones that just used. They wouldn't use around me, right?
The next thing I know, skip to almost 3 months later, all dressed up as a witch at a Halloween party and my friend turns to me and says 'You aren't any fun now that you don't drink'.
Fuck it I said. I mean why not? The guy I had taken with me from the program started drinking while we were getting ready so my backup plan had already gone down the drain. I WAS the only one not drinking.
So fuck it, I said.
I'll drink then.
I ordered 2 glasses and wine.
Crappy box white wine.
Yuck!
And my next question was 'so if I'm going to drink then where is the cocaine'.
This proceeded to lead to a 3 hour chase which resulted in someone slicing their hand up and me calling everyone in my phone who might have one of my old dealers numbers. See, I had deleted those numbers back in August.
I was regretting that at the moment.
So the next day I just started drinking and popping xanax and, later that night, Oxycontin aka hippy heroin. I spent the night in and out of fitfull sleep and listening to my freind have sex with the guy I liked. She had sex the night before with they guy she was trying to set me up with. She pretty much had sex with anyone and everyone but that is a WHOLE different story. So the next day I finally make it home and spend Halloween night high off oxy's again. The first part of the day was a little fuzzy. But I didn't make any more efforts to drink or take any more drugs. I was difinitely done this time. I couldn't have freinds that did drugs. I couldn't hang with people drinking. At least for a while. I had to go to more meetings. I had to do things SOMEONE else's way. I thought if I was just strong but self-will wasn't enough. I had to stop worrrying about the future and try to start learning how to live in today. I had to start trusting God. Easier said than done right? But it happened. Slowly. Things were still hard. But little by little the wreckage of my past started falling away. And little by little I've finally started to learn to love myself.
Also those cliche sayings are really true.
It works if you work it.
Let Go and Let God
You know the ones.
Today, in this minute, I never want to go back.
But my disease is powerful.
It has shown up when I've least expected.
But, by the grace of God, I'm sober today.
And all we have is today.

A Woman Without A Country

I'm emotional.
I FEEL things.
I feel things DEEPLY
I know people come in and out of your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.
I doesn't make it any easier when they change or leave.
Knowledge doesn't stop feelings.
At least not for this girl.
Not always anyway.

I get attached to people.
As many people who have come in and out of my life you would think I would build a wall and NOT get attached. But I like people. I like sharing my life with them and learning about them. And learning from them. Absorbing their knowledge.
Their wisdom, strength, and hope.

They tell you when you get into AA to get a sponsor. So far I've had 5 and will be on the hunt for my sixth as of this evening. I'll have 3 years on November 1st. Not a very good track record, but, God has always given me exactly who I needed at the time I needed them.

Sponsor #1 wasn't really ever my sponsor. I asked her but we could never hook up to do any work. She only went to one of the meetings I went to a week and she sponsored a ton of girls while also working in a rehab center for women and one or two other jobs. It just didn't work out and that was fine.

Sponsor #2 attended tons of meetings and her and her husband were fantastic at giving me rides to wherever they were going. I worked my first and second step with this woman and still see her when I make it to her fair city. She is a hairstylist so there was another level of bonding there as well.

But then my mom died and I moved and shortly after I got sponsor #3. I was having trouble finding time to work with sponsor #2 when I made it to town and I usually stayed with another girl and so sponsor #3 came about. I was really lonely living here in small town Kansas at the time and bored and spent a lot of time on the phone with her and luckily, at the time, she had time to give me. But we were a little to close maybe. When they say that your sponsors are human too and they WILL let you down, well, remember it. It's true. Keep them off the pedestal for they will fall. And don't put undue expectations on them. Hell, don't put any expectations on them. I STILL have trouble with this one!

So sponsor #4 came about. I did steps 4-12 with this sponsor. She lived in my old town also but at the time it was easy to go see her once a month. Both of our lives took some changes and after a little over a year I decided that I needed someone I could actually have some face time with. I wasn't able to to see her for months at a time and when I was there it was for maybe 24 hours which wasn't always convenient to her busy schedule.

I knew it was time for a change when I meet sponsor #5. I'd actually met her a few months before but slowly I heard her in some meetings and then her story and knew it was the right thing to do. That was last December. This woman has helped me tremendously, as they all have. But God must have something else planned for me now. Another change. Can't say that I am happy. I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen. But sitting here, writing this, it's a little less painful and I feel like I will just wait to see what's next. When I started this post I was hurt for being dumped. I felt discarded. Again. And no matter how many times or who is doing the breaking up or leaving or dying or whatever, my first reaction is pain. So that is probably my problem, huh? Reacting. But the feelings just come and I can't always stop them, no matter what my knowledge tells me. The pain comes. It comes with all the feelings of every person place or thing that has left me in the past.

Sponsor #5 had me working on my emotions. I only got thru step 3. Doing a 4th step on my emotions just seemed so intangible to me. Not sure where that will go now. And while I know I need to control my emotions somewhat, I don't want them to go away. They are part of who I am. The things I feel. The way I feel about things, people or places. But there has to be a balance right? You can't feel joy if you don't know pain, or so they say. I already know both so I guess I'll never be able to prove that one wrong or right. I might not always like the WAY I feel. But I can feel whatever it is and not have to drink or use. I'd like to spend more time in the valley, rather than the mountain peaks or base, but I know I can handle whatever comes. And obviously, something new is coming.

My first drink

So the first time I was drunk, well, I don't really remember. I can only recount the stories that I've been told. See, I was only 4. My parents were at a party at my aunt and uncle's house. My grandparents were there also. I must have been the only child. Definitely the only child drinking. I was certainly learning to work a room at the young age. According to my mother and Nana, the ladies were giving me little sips of their cocktails. My mom was never much of a drinker. I only recall her drinking the more girlie fruity drinks like White Russians, Margarita's, Sangria wine or maybe a wine spritzer. Sweet drinks. Now Nana usually drank white wine or Canadian Mist and water. I can't really imagine me liking Canadian Mist and water at that tender age but who knows. What the women didn't know was when I ran to the den where all the men had congregated I was working them for sips of their drinks as well. I'm sure there was a bit of plotting on both sides for these little sips to put me into a nice early slumber for the evening.
My dad was always a Coors Beer drinker but he was also known to put away some dark liquor of which variety is unbeknown est to me. Tweedie, Madeline's husband and one of Papa's closest friends, always drank Manhattans. A simply awful drink in my opinion. So not only was I having sips of cocktails, I was mixing my liquor.
After some time had passed the party guest hear me yelling for my Aunt Cheryl to come to the bathroom. She found me stark naked with the toilet set up and me practicing my can can kicks, splashing water all over the bathroom.
I guess at any age alcohol makes me take my clothes off!

Comes the Dawn

I found this poem in some of my things. Not sure where I got it originally but it really speaks to me about my life and especially about recovery:


Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open
Wtih the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
If you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
That you really do have worth
And you learn and learn... and you learn
With every goodbye ~ you learn.

~Veronica A Shoffstall

Mentally relapsing

So last week basically sucked. I was swimming around in my head in my chaos and turmoil and I wanted to be there. That was the sick part to me, how comfortable I was there and how much I was enjoying being there. Luckily, although I don't think luck had anything to do with it, I didn't make any moves to actually use. I wanted to. BADLY. How can I want something so badly that I know will cause such horrific reactions? The high might be fun, and I use might loosely, but everything else that comes along with being high like the coming down part and the remorse and the kicking myself in the butt and the humiliation of relapsing and then the giving up of almost 3 years of sobriety, well, none of that sounds fun in the least. But I was with Nic and I wanted to be with him, even if it was just a book. I think I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to fall in love with characters in the books I read and Nic was no exception. A normie might read his book and be disgusted but what disgust them I might barely notice. Seen it all before. Nothing new in the drug world. What I see is how tortured and tormented Nic is and how, ultimately, he is compassionate and good inside. He's artsy and educated and well read and probably holds incedible conversations that I would know nothing about. I've never even heard of half the bands he talks about or read the books he has read. So there in lies yet another weakness or character defect. I like them damaged. I relate to the damage. My sponsor says that is codependency. That isn't really what I thought codependency was.
And there was 13th step boy. I was letting him screw with my head big time. I was throwing all that self confidence and independence out the window and hoping that this person would completely change who I knew him to be and suddenly be madly in love with me. Want to hold me. Kiss me. Make love to me. Comfort me. And then he just disappeared for the weekend basically. Heard nothing from him and here I sat feeling discarded once again. Now how did THAT happen? So here I was ready to give it up and nothing. I hear nothing. Finally Saturday night what I do hear is some logic and common sense and mostly God telling me that this is NOT right. These thoughts are not going to do me any good. Not going to get me what I want. That doing drugs and sleeping with him, well, I'm just going to feel a LOT worse when it is over. So I let it go. Actually I begged. I begged God to remove this obsession. Obsession to use. Obsession to find comfort and acceptance in the wrong arms.
So Sunday I woke up feeling better. Obsession gone. Self confidence still in tact. Sobriety still in tact. Lessons still revealing themselves. One gargantuous reminder that my disease is baffling and powerful.

Tweakers Unite

So I haven't blogged about my recovery in a while now. I guess because things have been going pretty good. I've been making some discoveries about myself, becoming more comfortable with who I am, learning to trust God and listen to my instincts. Well, I don't know about you but I never seem to learn much until it is slammed in my face. I guess maybe I was getting complacent about my recovery. I didn't think so but maybe I just don't know.
A couple of weeks ago Nana got really sick and I had to take her to the ER. She ended up being in the hospital in Bartlesville and currently she is in a nursing home there. I really wondered if this was the 'big one' so to speak. She had multiple things wrong with her but it all stemmed from her not having enough blood in her body. Only about 1/3 of normal. But she made it in the ambulance ride from here to there and thru the night and I felt like she was going to be good because the doctors said she was stable. They did a few test and she was moved from CCU to a normal room on the cardiac unit and none of the test really showed anything.
So my uncle tells me she should go to a skilled facility for 7-10 days to get her strength back up and to give me a little more of a break. I was all for it. That was until I walked into my first nursing home yesterday.
Sure I had been in them as a kid but your own mortality isn't really on your mind then, besides that I don't really remember. This place isn't dirty but sorta dingy if you know what I mean. The hospital was all shiny and new and didn't smell weird. This place smells weird. You always hear about that. They didn't tell me anything about how I needed to bring her clothes or what not either and I just happened to have her wheel chair in the car with me. I didn't have any problem with her being there but it just gave me a creepy feeling. It just seemed like a bunch of old forgotten people, and unfortunately, the reality of that made me sick to my stomach. It made me think of all the times when people discovered that I didn't want children and would ask me who was going to take care of me when I was old.
So we have that creepy feeling swimming in our head right. The night before I started reading a book about this guys road to recovery from meth and heroine. It's called Tweak by Nic Sheff. It's pretty harrowing and accurate and I was so right there with him. And this book is anything but glamourous and yet, I found myself jonesing. I mean, how the hell does that happen? I'm reading about some guy who is 32 days has managed to blow thru 3K and been high every day shooting meth and herione. I've never even shot up and I've never touched heroin. YET. But I realized that I could relapse in my head without doing any drugs and I was pretty much there yesterday. My head was swimming with old shit I had done and the pitiful loser feelings of my past and the negatives of my life and then the creepiness of that nursing home.
So to top all that off, I spend part of the evening IM'ing with someone that was in the program that I 13th stepped almost a year ago and then got blown off by. Yes, I made amends but it was always weird after that, of course. I had liked him for months and had just kept my distance and then one night I just offered myself up on a silver platter and then was tormented when my affections weren't returned. It wasn't his fault. I take full responsibility for that one. But that set me off for a couple of weeks on a BUNCH of unresolved feelings from other events in my life which needed a catalyst to show themselves. It was only a matter of time.
So back to last night. I hadn't seen this guy in a few months and I know he had relapsed a few times and it was truly God speaking when he told me he was sober because I have to honestly say that with where my head was at yesterday I'm not sure I would have been able to say no. You'd think coming up on 3 years here soon would put me a bit farther away from that. It just reminded me that I have a disease that is NEVER going to completely go away and WILL strike at the least expected time. Luckily I do what I need to do like go to meetings and pray and have conscious contact with God. But I also have to confess that I hadn't been to many meetings in the past week because I was driving back and forth to see Nana. I should have been going to more I see now.
So today was a new day. I knew it would be. That was progress there knowing that if I just went to bed tomorrow would be better. Luckily I also hit a point in the book where he gets sober. That helped. Today wasn't perfect, but it WAS considerably better.
I'm still crazy. I realize I was long before I started drinking and using. It's ok to have those days. It's ok to be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come. It's ok to be reminded that I still have a long way to go and lots of work to do. It's also nice to know that God has my back.
You can check out Nic's blog here.

We ALL Have A Past

I'm in Tulsa for the weekend. A little R&R from Nana. Tonight I had dinner with some old friends. Friends that I use to tear it up with! FUN times! We ate at another friend of ours restuarant. A couple of these girls I haven't kept in great contact with but they always manage to show up when I come to town which is nice. Another girl and I talk every couple of months or so. The first 2 girls I haven't been around since I got sober. I can't lie and say it was a little hard watching them drink. Not that I wanted to drink, just that I remember how much fun we had. If you know anything about AA, then you'll know they always say to play the whole tape thru, and I did and a lot of those times weren't so much fun for me. Those girls aren't alcoholics though. They found partners, had kids and settled down in life. Some of them are doing VERY well for themselves and I started judging my insides with their outsides. Honestly, it was making me a bit depressed. But just for a bit did I even entertain that idea. Once I was alone I thought about how different all of our lives are. How maybe they have more in some areas but notin others. Some of them work their asses off for what they have. Some of them can't believe I've survived what I have in life. Most of them never thought I had a drinking problem. That is because they didn't live inside my head and my heart. A drinking problem takes on many forms, not just the whino laying in the gutter. I started thinking about the directions we all take. How, after several years and each going in our own direction, we can still come together and enjoy each others company. I also realized how important my path is to me. The path of sobriety. The path of serenity. The path of spirituality. My life is different in so many ways. The path I am on is not the path I would have picked out. I would have picked the path that 'appears' easier. The path with the most materlistic rewards. Tonight I realized how grateful I am for the path I am on. How grateful I am for following the path my higher power has led me down. I don't know where it goes exactly or what will happen or when. I know that there will be good times and bad times and that I will find the good in either situation. My past gave me a future. We ALL have one. I'm finally learning to embrace mine in order to move on to the future rather than letting my past hold me back.

What IS the purpose?

So a few things have happened since I last posted. I guess the first was that I realized that I have been waiting and hoping that when I meet that one special person they would fill that big black hole that I discovered. I've always hated those girls that HAD to have a boyfriend and whose whole lives were about finding that one. I have a friend that left AA, I believe, because he didn't find enough gay men to date. That annoyed me when all he would talk about is there was no one to date. And yet, here I sit, thinking the same thing. That someone is going to sweep into my life and not just fill the hole (here is the clinker) but totally eradicate the hole entirly!!! Like who, on EARTH, is capable of filling such a giant gargantous HOLE???? No WONDER it has never worked (despite the losers I have picked in the past). So 2 giant leaps forward for me!

And then one half step back. I didn't get my way about something that I thought I had clearly made arrangements to make happen. The events might still happen, but they weren't happening the way I wanted them to go down. Or the way I EXPECTED them to go down! Yeah yeah yeah, expectations. I still have them. I know! But I don't know how to NOT have them yet, so I do. Especially when I take the preliminary steps. So I had a TOTAL melt down Friday. And then I start talking about throwing Nana in a nursing home and leaving. I hate that I do this. I sound repulsive I think when I say that. Like I am whining for sympathy. Circling the wagons to my side. Gathering supports. I mean, if the time is right then that is what I will do if God is the one leading me there, but I hate that my mind immediatly goes there. I feel like I'm the little boy crying wolf. Know what I mean?

So in my meltdown I was questioning why this all was. WHY God put me here to watch like a mouse in a maze. God's little experiment to entertain Himself. Yes the self pity was running rapant. And then, my sponsor sends me this email. She sent it that day but I couldn't settle myself down enough to read the thing until Sunday. I SHOULD have read it THAT DAY!!! But I didn't so I guess I read it when I was suppose to and I think it was written JUST for me. It put it ALL is perspective for me and I felt more than a little ashamed for my hysterics. So here it is. If anyone is reading this then leave me a comment about the interview.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren , Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.

It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor , care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic

Hi. I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober 2years 6 months and 21 days. My story is not unique, but it is my story. I've decided to use this spot to record my thoughts on sobriety and working the 12 steps. I've worked my steps once on my alcoholism. Now I am working my steps on my emotions. My emotions are what kept me drunk and high. The liqour and drugs were nothing but a symptom. A cliche, maybe, but true. Just this week I had probably, for me, one of the most pivotal moments in my sobriety. Who knew that a love story that includes vampires and werewolves would lead to such a huge breakthrough. See, my life has been filled with a lot of death. My dad died of cancer (melonoma) when I was 12. Then 12 years later on May 12th I burried my best friend. That was also the day my dad had died. Then in 1998 I burried my younger sister. She had cancer 3 times in 6 years. Ovarian cancer when she died but it was the A.R.D.S. that killed her. Then, 8 years later, on the day I came to take care of my mom and Nana, they found my mom dead in the front yard. I was 2 months sober that day. So death has played a big role in my life. For the first time I was able to see how those deaths left me with a giant hole where my heart used to be. With each death the whole got larger and the skin more tattered. I've tried for years to fill the hole. Fill it with friends and lovers, drinks and drugs, food and shopping. I just thought I was a party girl that liked to have fun. I was always searching for the fun. I was responsible at a young age and when I found out that that kind of life wasn't really getting me what I thought I wanted I let the party girl take over. The whole was still there. I was always shy as a young kid and full of fear. More fears than I care to share right now. I didn't know who I was and am in fact still working on that. But back to the hole. I saw the hole for the first time and suddenly I realized that I needed to give the hole to God. I needed God to fill the hole. ONLY God could fill the hole. We talk a lot about turning it over to a higher power in AA. And I truly thought I had turned over as much as I could. As much as I could envision. And until that moment I guess I had. But there was more and will be more later I'm sure. So I gave the big black hole that is my heart, my emotions, my fears to God. I know that there will be more pain in my life because life has it's ups and downs. I now realize that I don't have to shove the pain away anymore like I've been unsuccessfully doing for years. That obviously wasn't working for me in the words of Dr. Phil. lol For the first time I realized that God would walk me thru the pain, if I let him. So today I've decided to let Him. I'm sure there will be times I will try to take that back. But the fear of the pain, well, I don't have to do that anymore. I will because I've had more time doing that then trusting God. But I don't have to. And just maybe, if I can remember that I'm not God and that I can't and He can, I won't have to suffer that much anymore. So, this is my journey.
One day at a time.