A Woman Without A Country

I'm emotional.
I FEEL things.
I feel things DEEPLY
I know people come in and out of your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.
I doesn't make it any easier when they change or leave.
Knowledge doesn't stop feelings.
At least not for this girl.
Not always anyway.

I get attached to people.
As many people who have come in and out of my life you would think I would build a wall and NOT get attached. But I like people. I like sharing my life with them and learning about them. And learning from them. Absorbing their knowledge.
Their wisdom, strength, and hope.

They tell you when you get into AA to get a sponsor. So far I've had 5 and will be on the hunt for my sixth as of this evening. I'll have 3 years on November 1st. Not a very good track record, but, God has always given me exactly who I needed at the time I needed them.

Sponsor #1 wasn't really ever my sponsor. I asked her but we could never hook up to do any work. She only went to one of the meetings I went to a week and she sponsored a ton of girls while also working in a rehab center for women and one or two other jobs. It just didn't work out and that was fine.

Sponsor #2 attended tons of meetings and her and her husband were fantastic at giving me rides to wherever they were going. I worked my first and second step with this woman and still see her when I make it to her fair city. She is a hairstylist so there was another level of bonding there as well.

But then my mom died and I moved and shortly after I got sponsor #3. I was having trouble finding time to work with sponsor #2 when I made it to town and I usually stayed with another girl and so sponsor #3 came about. I was really lonely living here in small town Kansas at the time and bored and spent a lot of time on the phone with her and luckily, at the time, she had time to give me. But we were a little to close maybe. When they say that your sponsors are human too and they WILL let you down, well, remember it. It's true. Keep them off the pedestal for they will fall. And don't put undue expectations on them. Hell, don't put any expectations on them. I STILL have trouble with this one!

So sponsor #4 came about. I did steps 4-12 with this sponsor. She lived in my old town also but at the time it was easy to go see her once a month. Both of our lives took some changes and after a little over a year I decided that I needed someone I could actually have some face time with. I wasn't able to to see her for months at a time and when I was there it was for maybe 24 hours which wasn't always convenient to her busy schedule.

I knew it was time for a change when I meet sponsor #5. I'd actually met her a few months before but slowly I heard her in some meetings and then her story and knew it was the right thing to do. That was last December. This woman has helped me tremendously, as they all have. But God must have something else planned for me now. Another change. Can't say that I am happy. I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen. But sitting here, writing this, it's a little less painful and I feel like I will just wait to see what's next. When I started this post I was hurt for being dumped. I felt discarded. Again. And no matter how many times or who is doing the breaking up or leaving or dying or whatever, my first reaction is pain. So that is probably my problem, huh? Reacting. But the feelings just come and I can't always stop them, no matter what my knowledge tells me. The pain comes. It comes with all the feelings of every person place or thing that has left me in the past.

Sponsor #5 had me working on my emotions. I only got thru step 3. Doing a 4th step on my emotions just seemed so intangible to me. Not sure where that will go now. And while I know I need to control my emotions somewhat, I don't want them to go away. They are part of who I am. The things I feel. The way I feel about things, people or places. But there has to be a balance right? You can't feel joy if you don't know pain, or so they say. I already know both so I guess I'll never be able to prove that one wrong or right. I might not always like the WAY I feel. But I can feel whatever it is and not have to drink or use. I'd like to spend more time in the valley, rather than the mountain peaks or base, but I know I can handle whatever comes. And obviously, something new is coming.

Tweakers Unite

So I haven't blogged about my recovery in a while now. I guess because things have been going pretty good. I've been making some discoveries about myself, becoming more comfortable with who I am, learning to trust God and listen to my instincts. Well, I don't know about you but I never seem to learn much until it is slammed in my face. I guess maybe I was getting complacent about my recovery. I didn't think so but maybe I just don't know.
A couple of weeks ago Nana got really sick and I had to take her to the ER. She ended up being in the hospital in Bartlesville and currently she is in a nursing home there. I really wondered if this was the 'big one' so to speak. She had multiple things wrong with her but it all stemmed from her not having enough blood in her body. Only about 1/3 of normal. But she made it in the ambulance ride from here to there and thru the night and I felt like she was going to be good because the doctors said she was stable. They did a few test and she was moved from CCU to a normal room on the cardiac unit and none of the test really showed anything.
So my uncle tells me she should go to a skilled facility for 7-10 days to get her strength back up and to give me a little more of a break. I was all for it. That was until I walked into my first nursing home yesterday.
Sure I had been in them as a kid but your own mortality isn't really on your mind then, besides that I don't really remember. This place isn't dirty but sorta dingy if you know what I mean. The hospital was all shiny and new and didn't smell weird. This place smells weird. You always hear about that. They didn't tell me anything about how I needed to bring her clothes or what not either and I just happened to have her wheel chair in the car with me. I didn't have any problem with her being there but it just gave me a creepy feeling. It just seemed like a bunch of old forgotten people, and unfortunately, the reality of that made me sick to my stomach. It made me think of all the times when people discovered that I didn't want children and would ask me who was going to take care of me when I was old.
So we have that creepy feeling swimming in our head right. The night before I started reading a book about this guys road to recovery from meth and heroine. It's called Tweak by Nic Sheff. It's pretty harrowing and accurate and I was so right there with him. And this book is anything but glamourous and yet, I found myself jonesing. I mean, how the hell does that happen? I'm reading about some guy who is 32 days has managed to blow thru 3K and been high every day shooting meth and herione. I've never even shot up and I've never touched heroin. YET. But I realized that I could relapse in my head without doing any drugs and I was pretty much there yesterday. My head was swimming with old shit I had done and the pitiful loser feelings of my past and the negatives of my life and then the creepiness of that nursing home.
So to top all that off, I spend part of the evening IM'ing with someone that was in the program that I 13th stepped almost a year ago and then got blown off by. Yes, I made amends but it was always weird after that, of course. I had liked him for months and had just kept my distance and then one night I just offered myself up on a silver platter and then was tormented when my affections weren't returned. It wasn't his fault. I take full responsibility for that one. But that set me off for a couple of weeks on a BUNCH of unresolved feelings from other events in my life which needed a catalyst to show themselves. It was only a matter of time.
So back to last night. I hadn't seen this guy in a few months and I know he had relapsed a few times and it was truly God speaking when he told me he was sober because I have to honestly say that with where my head was at yesterday I'm not sure I would have been able to say no. You'd think coming up on 3 years here soon would put me a bit farther away from that. It just reminded me that I have a disease that is NEVER going to completely go away and WILL strike at the least expected time. Luckily I do what I need to do like go to meetings and pray and have conscious contact with God. But I also have to confess that I hadn't been to many meetings in the past week because I was driving back and forth to see Nana. I should have been going to more I see now.
So today was a new day. I knew it would be. That was progress there knowing that if I just went to bed tomorrow would be better. Luckily I also hit a point in the book where he gets sober. That helped. Today wasn't perfect, but it WAS considerably better.
I'm still crazy. I realize I was long before I started drinking and using. It's ok to have those days. It's ok to be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come. It's ok to be reminded that I still have a long way to go and lots of work to do. It's also nice to know that God has my back.
You can check out Nic's blog here.