3 Years

So today is my 3 year sobriety birthday!
I can't believe it has been that long.
I didn't know it was possible to not drink or use for that long.
I didn't know I would WANT to NOT drink or use for 1,095 days in a row.
I thought people who didn't drink and do drugs were stick in the mud's and usually I didn't want to be friends with you.
I thought people who talked about God were fanatics and needed to loosen up a bit in life.
I heard AA was a cult, exchanging one addiction for another.
I , obviously, thought a lot of things that weren't right.
I remember the 3 days leading up to my first day of sobriety.
I remember the first time I walked into an AA meeting back in August.
I remember that I wanted to do things my way. That I didn't NEED to get rid of ALL my friends, just the ones that sold drugs, not the ones that just used. They wouldn't use around me, right?
The next thing I know, skip to almost 3 months later, all dressed up as a witch at a Halloween party and my friend turns to me and says 'You aren't any fun now that you don't drink'.
Fuck it I said. I mean why not? The guy I had taken with me from the program started drinking while we were getting ready so my backup plan had already gone down the drain. I WAS the only one not drinking.
So fuck it, I said.
I'll drink then.
I ordered 2 glasses and wine.
Crappy box white wine.
Yuck!
And my next question was 'so if I'm going to drink then where is the cocaine'.
This proceeded to lead to a 3 hour chase which resulted in someone slicing their hand up and me calling everyone in my phone who might have one of my old dealers numbers. See, I had deleted those numbers back in August.
I was regretting that at the moment.
So the next day I just started drinking and popping xanax and, later that night, Oxycontin aka hippy heroin. I spent the night in and out of fitfull sleep and listening to my freind have sex with the guy I liked. She had sex the night before with they guy she was trying to set me up with. She pretty much had sex with anyone and everyone but that is a WHOLE different story. So the next day I finally make it home and spend Halloween night high off oxy's again. The first part of the day was a little fuzzy. But I didn't make any more efforts to drink or take any more drugs. I was difinitely done this time. I couldn't have freinds that did drugs. I couldn't hang with people drinking. At least for a while. I had to go to more meetings. I had to do things SOMEONE else's way. I thought if I was just strong but self-will wasn't enough. I had to stop worrrying about the future and try to start learning how to live in today. I had to start trusting God. Easier said than done right? But it happened. Slowly. Things were still hard. But little by little the wreckage of my past started falling away. And little by little I've finally started to learn to love myself.
Also those cliche sayings are really true.
It works if you work it.
Let Go and Let God
You know the ones.
Today, in this minute, I never want to go back.
But my disease is powerful.
It has shown up when I've least expected.
But, by the grace of God, I'm sober today.
And all we have is today.

A Woman Without A Country

I'm emotional.
I FEEL things.
I feel things DEEPLY
I know people come in and out of your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.
I doesn't make it any easier when they change or leave.
Knowledge doesn't stop feelings.
At least not for this girl.
Not always anyway.

I get attached to people.
As many people who have come in and out of my life you would think I would build a wall and NOT get attached. But I like people. I like sharing my life with them and learning about them. And learning from them. Absorbing their knowledge.
Their wisdom, strength, and hope.

They tell you when you get into AA to get a sponsor. So far I've had 5 and will be on the hunt for my sixth as of this evening. I'll have 3 years on November 1st. Not a very good track record, but, God has always given me exactly who I needed at the time I needed them.

Sponsor #1 wasn't really ever my sponsor. I asked her but we could never hook up to do any work. She only went to one of the meetings I went to a week and she sponsored a ton of girls while also working in a rehab center for women and one or two other jobs. It just didn't work out and that was fine.

Sponsor #2 attended tons of meetings and her and her husband were fantastic at giving me rides to wherever they were going. I worked my first and second step with this woman and still see her when I make it to her fair city. She is a hairstylist so there was another level of bonding there as well.

But then my mom died and I moved and shortly after I got sponsor #3. I was having trouble finding time to work with sponsor #2 when I made it to town and I usually stayed with another girl and so sponsor #3 came about. I was really lonely living here in small town Kansas at the time and bored and spent a lot of time on the phone with her and luckily, at the time, she had time to give me. But we were a little to close maybe. When they say that your sponsors are human too and they WILL let you down, well, remember it. It's true. Keep them off the pedestal for they will fall. And don't put undue expectations on them. Hell, don't put any expectations on them. I STILL have trouble with this one!

So sponsor #4 came about. I did steps 4-12 with this sponsor. She lived in my old town also but at the time it was easy to go see her once a month. Both of our lives took some changes and after a little over a year I decided that I needed someone I could actually have some face time with. I wasn't able to to see her for months at a time and when I was there it was for maybe 24 hours which wasn't always convenient to her busy schedule.

I knew it was time for a change when I meet sponsor #5. I'd actually met her a few months before but slowly I heard her in some meetings and then her story and knew it was the right thing to do. That was last December. This woman has helped me tremendously, as they all have. But God must have something else planned for me now. Another change. Can't say that I am happy. I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen. But sitting here, writing this, it's a little less painful and I feel like I will just wait to see what's next. When I started this post I was hurt for being dumped. I felt discarded. Again. And no matter how many times or who is doing the breaking up or leaving or dying or whatever, my first reaction is pain. So that is probably my problem, huh? Reacting. But the feelings just come and I can't always stop them, no matter what my knowledge tells me. The pain comes. It comes with all the feelings of every person place or thing that has left me in the past.

Sponsor #5 had me working on my emotions. I only got thru step 3. Doing a 4th step on my emotions just seemed so intangible to me. Not sure where that will go now. And while I know I need to control my emotions somewhat, I don't want them to go away. They are part of who I am. The things I feel. The way I feel about things, people or places. But there has to be a balance right? You can't feel joy if you don't know pain, or so they say. I already know both so I guess I'll never be able to prove that one wrong or right. I might not always like the WAY I feel. But I can feel whatever it is and not have to drink or use. I'd like to spend more time in the valley, rather than the mountain peaks or base, but I know I can handle whatever comes. And obviously, something new is coming.

My first drink

So the first time I was drunk, well, I don't really remember. I can only recount the stories that I've been told. See, I was only 4. My parents were at a party at my aunt and uncle's house. My grandparents were there also. I must have been the only child. Definitely the only child drinking. I was certainly learning to work a room at the young age. According to my mother and Nana, the ladies were giving me little sips of their cocktails. My mom was never much of a drinker. I only recall her drinking the more girlie fruity drinks like White Russians, Margarita's, Sangria wine or maybe a wine spritzer. Sweet drinks. Now Nana usually drank white wine or Canadian Mist and water. I can't really imagine me liking Canadian Mist and water at that tender age but who knows. What the women didn't know was when I ran to the den where all the men had congregated I was working them for sips of their drinks as well. I'm sure there was a bit of plotting on both sides for these little sips to put me into a nice early slumber for the evening.
My dad was always a Coors Beer drinker but he was also known to put away some dark liquor of which variety is unbeknown est to me. Tweedie, Madeline's husband and one of Papa's closest friends, always drank Manhattans. A simply awful drink in my opinion. So not only was I having sips of cocktails, I was mixing my liquor.
After some time had passed the party guest hear me yelling for my Aunt Cheryl to come to the bathroom. She found me stark naked with the toilet set up and me practicing my can can kicks, splashing water all over the bathroom.
I guess at any age alcohol makes me take my clothes off!

Comes the Dawn

I found this poem in some of my things. Not sure where I got it originally but it really speaks to me about my life and especially about recovery:


Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open
Wtih the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
If you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
That you really do have worth
And you learn and learn... and you learn
With every goodbye ~ you learn.

~Veronica A Shoffstall

Mentally relapsing

So last week basically sucked. I was swimming around in my head in my chaos and turmoil and I wanted to be there. That was the sick part to me, how comfortable I was there and how much I was enjoying being there. Luckily, although I don't think luck had anything to do with it, I didn't make any moves to actually use. I wanted to. BADLY. How can I want something so badly that I know will cause such horrific reactions? The high might be fun, and I use might loosely, but everything else that comes along with being high like the coming down part and the remorse and the kicking myself in the butt and the humiliation of relapsing and then the giving up of almost 3 years of sobriety, well, none of that sounds fun in the least. But I was with Nic and I wanted to be with him, even if it was just a book. I think I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to fall in love with characters in the books I read and Nic was no exception. A normie might read his book and be disgusted but what disgust them I might barely notice. Seen it all before. Nothing new in the drug world. What I see is how tortured and tormented Nic is and how, ultimately, he is compassionate and good inside. He's artsy and educated and well read and probably holds incedible conversations that I would know nothing about. I've never even heard of half the bands he talks about or read the books he has read. So there in lies yet another weakness or character defect. I like them damaged. I relate to the damage. My sponsor says that is codependency. That isn't really what I thought codependency was.
And there was 13th step boy. I was letting him screw with my head big time. I was throwing all that self confidence and independence out the window and hoping that this person would completely change who I knew him to be and suddenly be madly in love with me. Want to hold me. Kiss me. Make love to me. Comfort me. And then he just disappeared for the weekend basically. Heard nothing from him and here I sat feeling discarded once again. Now how did THAT happen? So here I was ready to give it up and nothing. I hear nothing. Finally Saturday night what I do hear is some logic and common sense and mostly God telling me that this is NOT right. These thoughts are not going to do me any good. Not going to get me what I want. That doing drugs and sleeping with him, well, I'm just going to feel a LOT worse when it is over. So I let it go. Actually I begged. I begged God to remove this obsession. Obsession to use. Obsession to find comfort and acceptance in the wrong arms.
So Sunday I woke up feeling better. Obsession gone. Self confidence still in tact. Sobriety still in tact. Lessons still revealing themselves. One gargantuous reminder that my disease is baffling and powerful.

Tweakers Unite

So I haven't blogged about my recovery in a while now. I guess because things have been going pretty good. I've been making some discoveries about myself, becoming more comfortable with who I am, learning to trust God and listen to my instincts. Well, I don't know about you but I never seem to learn much until it is slammed in my face. I guess maybe I was getting complacent about my recovery. I didn't think so but maybe I just don't know.
A couple of weeks ago Nana got really sick and I had to take her to the ER. She ended up being in the hospital in Bartlesville and currently she is in a nursing home there. I really wondered if this was the 'big one' so to speak. She had multiple things wrong with her but it all stemmed from her not having enough blood in her body. Only about 1/3 of normal. But she made it in the ambulance ride from here to there and thru the night and I felt like she was going to be good because the doctors said she was stable. They did a few test and she was moved from CCU to a normal room on the cardiac unit and none of the test really showed anything.
So my uncle tells me she should go to a skilled facility for 7-10 days to get her strength back up and to give me a little more of a break. I was all for it. That was until I walked into my first nursing home yesterday.
Sure I had been in them as a kid but your own mortality isn't really on your mind then, besides that I don't really remember. This place isn't dirty but sorta dingy if you know what I mean. The hospital was all shiny and new and didn't smell weird. This place smells weird. You always hear about that. They didn't tell me anything about how I needed to bring her clothes or what not either and I just happened to have her wheel chair in the car with me. I didn't have any problem with her being there but it just gave me a creepy feeling. It just seemed like a bunch of old forgotten people, and unfortunately, the reality of that made me sick to my stomach. It made me think of all the times when people discovered that I didn't want children and would ask me who was going to take care of me when I was old.
So we have that creepy feeling swimming in our head right. The night before I started reading a book about this guys road to recovery from meth and heroine. It's called Tweak by Nic Sheff. It's pretty harrowing and accurate and I was so right there with him. And this book is anything but glamourous and yet, I found myself jonesing. I mean, how the hell does that happen? I'm reading about some guy who is 32 days has managed to blow thru 3K and been high every day shooting meth and herione. I've never even shot up and I've never touched heroin. YET. But I realized that I could relapse in my head without doing any drugs and I was pretty much there yesterday. My head was swimming with old shit I had done and the pitiful loser feelings of my past and the negatives of my life and then the creepiness of that nursing home.
So to top all that off, I spend part of the evening IM'ing with someone that was in the program that I 13th stepped almost a year ago and then got blown off by. Yes, I made amends but it was always weird after that, of course. I had liked him for months and had just kept my distance and then one night I just offered myself up on a silver platter and then was tormented when my affections weren't returned. It wasn't his fault. I take full responsibility for that one. But that set me off for a couple of weeks on a BUNCH of unresolved feelings from other events in my life which needed a catalyst to show themselves. It was only a matter of time.
So back to last night. I hadn't seen this guy in a few months and I know he had relapsed a few times and it was truly God speaking when he told me he was sober because I have to honestly say that with where my head was at yesterday I'm not sure I would have been able to say no. You'd think coming up on 3 years here soon would put me a bit farther away from that. It just reminded me that I have a disease that is NEVER going to completely go away and WILL strike at the least expected time. Luckily I do what I need to do like go to meetings and pray and have conscious contact with God. But I also have to confess that I hadn't been to many meetings in the past week because I was driving back and forth to see Nana. I should have been going to more I see now.
So today was a new day. I knew it would be. That was progress there knowing that if I just went to bed tomorrow would be better. Luckily I also hit a point in the book where he gets sober. That helped. Today wasn't perfect, but it WAS considerably better.
I'm still crazy. I realize I was long before I started drinking and using. It's ok to have those days. It's ok to be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come. It's ok to be reminded that I still have a long way to go and lots of work to do. It's also nice to know that God has my back.
You can check out Nic's blog here.

We ALL Have A Past

I'm in Tulsa for the weekend. A little R&R from Nana. Tonight I had dinner with some old friends. Friends that I use to tear it up with! FUN times! We ate at another friend of ours restuarant. A couple of these girls I haven't kept in great contact with but they always manage to show up when I come to town which is nice. Another girl and I talk every couple of months or so. The first 2 girls I haven't been around since I got sober. I can't lie and say it was a little hard watching them drink. Not that I wanted to drink, just that I remember how much fun we had. If you know anything about AA, then you'll know they always say to play the whole tape thru, and I did and a lot of those times weren't so much fun for me. Those girls aren't alcoholics though. They found partners, had kids and settled down in life. Some of them are doing VERY well for themselves and I started judging my insides with their outsides. Honestly, it was making me a bit depressed. But just for a bit did I even entertain that idea. Once I was alone I thought about how different all of our lives are. How maybe they have more in some areas but notin others. Some of them work their asses off for what they have. Some of them can't believe I've survived what I have in life. Most of them never thought I had a drinking problem. That is because they didn't live inside my head and my heart. A drinking problem takes on many forms, not just the whino laying in the gutter. I started thinking about the directions we all take. How, after several years and each going in our own direction, we can still come together and enjoy each others company. I also realized how important my path is to me. The path of sobriety. The path of serenity. The path of spirituality. My life is different in so many ways. The path I am on is not the path I would have picked out. I would have picked the path that 'appears' easier. The path with the most materlistic rewards. Tonight I realized how grateful I am for the path I am on. How grateful I am for following the path my higher power has led me down. I don't know where it goes exactly or what will happen or when. I know that there will be good times and bad times and that I will find the good in either situation. My past gave me a future. We ALL have one. I'm finally learning to embrace mine in order to move on to the future rather than letting my past hold me back.