Hoarders

So tonight I watched Hoarders on A&E for the first time. I'd caught glimpses of the show before but never watched a whole episode. I thought I would find it difficult to watch and I did. My mom was a hoarder. I grew up in a house like some of those. Not near as bad as many but without my sister and I it could have been. The second episode was a woman named Augustine. I can say without doubt that if my mother hadn't died she would have eventually became Augustine. I guess it's difficult to watch because of the shame I felt. The shame when my friends came over and our house was a wreck. Obviously it wasn't as bad as some of the episodes that air because I wouldn't have let friends over at all. There were times though. And there was a room you could never get into. And then we got roaches. And my mom's sickness got worse after my sister died. I turned farther into drugs and alcohol and my mom turned farther into shopping. And if I'm honest I have some of the shopping problem myself. I recently started keeping a check register even for my debit cards because I'm tired of being financially irresponsible. I have a seriously long way to go & it's the one thing that still holds lots of shame for me. I've come a long way already because I have to make sure that Nana is taken care of and I don't like telling her we don't have something. But sometimes I have to and that's ok when I've been doing the right thing. It's hard when I haven't. And I know to be a better, happier me then I have to get rid of the shame. I felt so sorry for those kids tonight, grown or otherwise, because even if you are grown that person is still your family. I wish the show focused a bit on the recovery. At least let us know if 6 months to a year later they were better. I know that there are a lot of layers that trash is covering up.
Intervention was just to much. When that girl was sticking a needle in her neck I just about threw up. I never shot drugs. I knew a few that did but I never liked to even be in the same room. I guess it upsets me because I know what my 'yets' are and I know that is one of them. I know drugs started out as a fun social thing and it wasn't that way down the road. So that's my emotional evening. I made myself keep watching Hoarders because I think there is probably some emotions there that I need to face. Some shame I need to let go of.

Bah Humbug!

I used to love this time of year. I used to enjoy searching for just the right gift for my friends and family members. I especially loved going shopping for my sister. We stuffed each others stockings and it was always my favorite thing to get and my favorite thing to shop for. Since my sister died my mom took up the job and since her death my cousin does it. It's my only surprise and I appreciate her efforts dearly.

But honestly I don't like this time of year anymore. It seems lately that it's just a big reminder of what I don't have anymore. I KNOW I have LOTS to be thankful for, but for some reason I can't seem to get past the loss today. It doesn't make any sense to me how I can be so full of joy as I was last weekend and back to down in the dumps today. I'm blaming it on hormones. Maybe it's all because I'm an alcoholic. I get resentful for all the work involved for such little time together because we can't seem to get away from each other fast enough. We all spend so little actual time together that we have little to talk about when we are together. I hate the strain. I hate missing my mom and sister. I hate decorating the tree by myself. You'd think I'd get some satisfaction out of doing it for Nana and I do a bit, but it's like she knows her best Christmas's are behind her.

I'm whining and I know it. I thought maybe if I put it down here then maybe I could stop running it all in my head because my head isn't fixing my head right now. Well never. lol But I do have hope, hope that I'll get the Christmas magic back someday. I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon and after I just heard this great quote on tv I think if I go have a good cry then maybe I'll feel better.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
~Irving Washington

A LONG time...

I haven't blogged here for a year! WOW! I've wanted to, but there always seems there is something else to do or I really have something to say when I'm already in bed. But I decided I need to start this up again, this blogging about my recovery, because I forget. I forget where I was or what I've already come thru sometimes. Occasionally I find myself acting in ways that I thought I had left behind or in new ways that still aren't healthy. And then I find I've moved so far beyond something and I didn't have a clue that I had. So I'm back. This is totally for me and if anyone happens to stumble across this blog here and it helps them in any way then that will be a bonus. I have things to say. Maybe not profound things, but my story is my story. So we'll see where this year takes us. I just turned 4 years sober. WOW! WOW! WOW! Who woulda thunk? Certainly not me. And while the desire to drink rarely crosses my mind, my thinking still interrupts my progress. Well, not if you go by the mantra that "you're right where you're suppose to be". Gosh I hated hearing that my first year or so. But now I know it's true. I also know these behaviors come up again because some of them I will ALWAYS have to work on. I usually get a little freaky right before my sobriety birthday, but with my recent trip to California the freakiness started after the day. I've been in a rut. In a mood. In pain. Tonight I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and told the one person that could help me work thru this crap, my sponsor. I started my 2nd full 4th step. I've done some spot ones on people as they came up but not a really thorough one. I did the first 2 columns and after the combination of that and talking to my sponsor and admitting that I wasn't fixing myself with my own head, well the weight began to lift. Why do I not ask for help when I so desperately need it? I honestly wasn't willing to admit that I needed it so badly because I just didn't know. So the ball is rolling. Let the healing begin.

3 Years

So today is my 3 year sobriety birthday!
I can't believe it has been that long.
I didn't know it was possible to not drink or use for that long.
I didn't know I would WANT to NOT drink or use for 1,095 days in a row.
I thought people who didn't drink and do drugs were stick in the mud's and usually I didn't want to be friends with you.
I thought people who talked about God were fanatics and needed to loosen up a bit in life.
I heard AA was a cult, exchanging one addiction for another.
I , obviously, thought a lot of things that weren't right.
I remember the 3 days leading up to my first day of sobriety.
I remember the first time I walked into an AA meeting back in August.
I remember that I wanted to do things my way. That I didn't NEED to get rid of ALL my friends, just the ones that sold drugs, not the ones that just used. They wouldn't use around me, right?
The next thing I know, skip to almost 3 months later, all dressed up as a witch at a Halloween party and my friend turns to me and says 'You aren't any fun now that you don't drink'.
Fuck it I said. I mean why not? The guy I had taken with me from the program started drinking while we were getting ready so my backup plan had already gone down the drain. I WAS the only one not drinking.
So fuck it, I said.
I'll drink then.
I ordered 2 glasses and wine.
Crappy box white wine.
Yuck!
And my next question was 'so if I'm going to drink then where is the cocaine'.
This proceeded to lead to a 3 hour chase which resulted in someone slicing their hand up and me calling everyone in my phone who might have one of my old dealers numbers. See, I had deleted those numbers back in August.
I was regretting that at the moment.
So the next day I just started drinking and popping xanax and, later that night, Oxycontin aka hippy heroin. I spent the night in and out of fitfull sleep and listening to my freind have sex with the guy I liked. She had sex the night before with they guy she was trying to set me up with. She pretty much had sex with anyone and everyone but that is a WHOLE different story. So the next day I finally make it home and spend Halloween night high off oxy's again. The first part of the day was a little fuzzy. But I didn't make any more efforts to drink or take any more drugs. I was difinitely done this time. I couldn't have freinds that did drugs. I couldn't hang with people drinking. At least for a while. I had to go to more meetings. I had to do things SOMEONE else's way. I thought if I was just strong but self-will wasn't enough. I had to stop worrrying about the future and try to start learning how to live in today. I had to start trusting God. Easier said than done right? But it happened. Slowly. Things were still hard. But little by little the wreckage of my past started falling away. And little by little I've finally started to learn to love myself.
Also those cliche sayings are really true.
It works if you work it.
Let Go and Let God
You know the ones.
Today, in this minute, I never want to go back.
But my disease is powerful.
It has shown up when I've least expected.
But, by the grace of God, I'm sober today.
And all we have is today.

A Woman Without A Country

I'm emotional.
I FEEL things.
I feel things DEEPLY
I know people come in and out of your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.
I doesn't make it any easier when they change or leave.
Knowledge doesn't stop feelings.
At least not for this girl.
Not always anyway.

I get attached to people.
As many people who have come in and out of my life you would think I would build a wall and NOT get attached. But I like people. I like sharing my life with them and learning about them. And learning from them. Absorbing their knowledge.
Their wisdom, strength, and hope.

They tell you when you get into AA to get a sponsor. So far I've had 5 and will be on the hunt for my sixth as of this evening. I'll have 3 years on November 1st. Not a very good track record, but, God has always given me exactly who I needed at the time I needed them.

Sponsor #1 wasn't really ever my sponsor. I asked her but we could never hook up to do any work. She only went to one of the meetings I went to a week and she sponsored a ton of girls while also working in a rehab center for women and one or two other jobs. It just didn't work out and that was fine.

Sponsor #2 attended tons of meetings and her and her husband were fantastic at giving me rides to wherever they were going. I worked my first and second step with this woman and still see her when I make it to her fair city. She is a hairstylist so there was another level of bonding there as well.

But then my mom died and I moved and shortly after I got sponsor #3. I was having trouble finding time to work with sponsor #2 when I made it to town and I usually stayed with another girl and so sponsor #3 came about. I was really lonely living here in small town Kansas at the time and bored and spent a lot of time on the phone with her and luckily, at the time, she had time to give me. But we were a little to close maybe. When they say that your sponsors are human too and they WILL let you down, well, remember it. It's true. Keep them off the pedestal for they will fall. And don't put undue expectations on them. Hell, don't put any expectations on them. I STILL have trouble with this one!

So sponsor #4 came about. I did steps 4-12 with this sponsor. She lived in my old town also but at the time it was easy to go see her once a month. Both of our lives took some changes and after a little over a year I decided that I needed someone I could actually have some face time with. I wasn't able to to see her for months at a time and when I was there it was for maybe 24 hours which wasn't always convenient to her busy schedule.

I knew it was time for a change when I meet sponsor #5. I'd actually met her a few months before but slowly I heard her in some meetings and then her story and knew it was the right thing to do. That was last December. This woman has helped me tremendously, as they all have. But God must have something else planned for me now. Another change. Can't say that I am happy. I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen. But sitting here, writing this, it's a little less painful and I feel like I will just wait to see what's next. When I started this post I was hurt for being dumped. I felt discarded. Again. And no matter how many times or who is doing the breaking up or leaving or dying or whatever, my first reaction is pain. So that is probably my problem, huh? Reacting. But the feelings just come and I can't always stop them, no matter what my knowledge tells me. The pain comes. It comes with all the feelings of every person place or thing that has left me in the past.

Sponsor #5 had me working on my emotions. I only got thru step 3. Doing a 4th step on my emotions just seemed so intangible to me. Not sure where that will go now. And while I know I need to control my emotions somewhat, I don't want them to go away. They are part of who I am. The things I feel. The way I feel about things, people or places. But there has to be a balance right? You can't feel joy if you don't know pain, or so they say. I already know both so I guess I'll never be able to prove that one wrong or right. I might not always like the WAY I feel. But I can feel whatever it is and not have to drink or use. I'd like to spend more time in the valley, rather than the mountain peaks or base, but I know I can handle whatever comes. And obviously, something new is coming.

My first drink

So the first time I was drunk, well, I don't really remember. I can only recount the stories that I've been told. See, I was only 4. My parents were at a party at my aunt and uncle's house. My grandparents were there also. I must have been the only child. Definitely the only child drinking. I was certainly learning to work a room at the young age. According to my mother and Nana, the ladies were giving me little sips of their cocktails. My mom was never much of a drinker. I only recall her drinking the more girlie fruity drinks like White Russians, Margarita's, Sangria wine or maybe a wine spritzer. Sweet drinks. Now Nana usually drank white wine or Canadian Mist and water. I can't really imagine me liking Canadian Mist and water at that tender age but who knows. What the women didn't know was when I ran to the den where all the men had congregated I was working them for sips of their drinks as well. I'm sure there was a bit of plotting on both sides for these little sips to put me into a nice early slumber for the evening.
My dad was always a Coors Beer drinker but he was also known to put away some dark liquor of which variety is unbeknown est to me. Tweedie, Madeline's husband and one of Papa's closest friends, always drank Manhattans. A simply awful drink in my opinion. So not only was I having sips of cocktails, I was mixing my liquor.
After some time had passed the party guest hear me yelling for my Aunt Cheryl to come to the bathroom. She found me stark naked with the toilet set up and me practicing my can can kicks, splashing water all over the bathroom.
I guess at any age alcohol makes me take my clothes off!

Comes the Dawn

I found this poem in some of my things. Not sure where I got it originally but it really speaks to me about my life and especially about recovery:


Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open
Wtih the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
If you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
That you really do have worth
And you learn and learn... and you learn
With every goodbye ~ you learn.

~Veronica A Shoffstall