I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic

Hi. I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober 2years 6 months and 21 days. My story is not unique, but it is my story. I've decided to use this spot to record my thoughts on sobriety and working the 12 steps. I've worked my steps once on my alcoholism. Now I am working my steps on my emotions. My emotions are what kept me drunk and high. The liqour and drugs were nothing but a symptom. A cliche, maybe, but true. Just this week I had probably, for me, one of the most pivotal moments in my sobriety. Who knew that a love story that includes vampires and werewolves would lead to such a huge breakthrough. See, my life has been filled with a lot of death. My dad died of cancer (melonoma) when I was 12. Then 12 years later on May 12th I burried my best friend. That was also the day my dad had died. Then in 1998 I burried my younger sister. She had cancer 3 times in 6 years. Ovarian cancer when she died but it was the A.R.D.S. that killed her. Then, 8 years later, on the day I came to take care of my mom and Nana, they found my mom dead in the front yard. I was 2 months sober that day. So death has played a big role in my life. For the first time I was able to see how those deaths left me with a giant hole where my heart used to be. With each death the whole got larger and the skin more tattered. I've tried for years to fill the hole. Fill it with friends and lovers, drinks and drugs, food and shopping. I just thought I was a party girl that liked to have fun. I was always searching for the fun. I was responsible at a young age and when I found out that that kind of life wasn't really getting me what I thought I wanted I let the party girl take over. The whole was still there. I was always shy as a young kid and full of fear. More fears than I care to share right now. I didn't know who I was and am in fact still working on that. But back to the hole. I saw the hole for the first time and suddenly I realized that I needed to give the hole to God. I needed God to fill the hole. ONLY God could fill the hole. We talk a lot about turning it over to a higher power in AA. And I truly thought I had turned over as much as I could. As much as I could envision. And until that moment I guess I had. But there was more and will be more later I'm sure. So I gave the big black hole that is my heart, my emotions, my fears to God. I know that there will be more pain in my life because life has it's ups and downs. I now realize that I don't have to shove the pain away anymore like I've been unsuccessfully doing for years. That obviously wasn't working for me in the words of Dr. Phil. lol For the first time I realized that God would walk me thru the pain, if I let him. So today I've decided to let Him. I'm sure there will be times I will try to take that back. But the fear of the pain, well, I don't have to do that anymore. I will because I've had more time doing that then trusting God. But I don't have to. And just maybe, if I can remember that I'm not God and that I can't and He can, I won't have to suffer that much anymore. So, this is my journey.
One day at a time.