Do You Trust Yourself?

One of my greatest fears in life is that I'll end up old or sick or both, living on the street, no one caring if I'm alive or dead or knowing I even exist let alone caring. Living under some bridge and eating out of dumpsters or in some broken down apartment eating cat food in order to pay for medicine. I know it sounds a bit crazy but you hear those stories on tv or in fictional shows or various places. I always think "what happened to their families?" Well my family has been dying off for years now and while I have some relatives I wouldn't call us close. So I worry what would happen to me if I was down and out again.
Why I have this fear I'm not really sure. Maybe because I've always had Nana (& Papa at one time) to fall back on and open their purse strings. Or my mom. They were always my soft place to fall and with Nana going to the nursing home and the sale of this house that 'place' will be gone. No more safety net to catch me. And while I think this should have happened YEARS ago, it's also a bit terrifying for me. Can I take care of myself when I'm not taking care of someone else? I mean, I've been taking care of Nana pretty much since I got sober and before that taking care of me, well I didn't always do so well in that department.
But that was then & this is now.
Now I'm sober and I've grown up a little.
At least I hope so.
Because now the only thing that will keep me from falling down the rabbit hole is myself. And God.
But last weeks events taught me a few things.
First & foremost it taught me to trust in my instincts. I KNOW when it's a good time to leave, or not to go at all. I know how to listen to my gut now and not ignore it. I KNOW what I need and what I need to do in times of trouble. And times when life is good. I KNOW that no matter how weird I feel that this to shall pass and I can just keep walking on thru to the other side. I already KNOW what that life is all about for me and that I don't want to be a part of it anymore. Active using equals depression and paranoia and fear and anxiety and soul sickness and lack of instincts and no self-esteem for me. Sobriety equals light and faith and self-awareness and good gut instincts and a higher power carrying me when needed. Sobriety does not mean an easy road, but it does mean I can handle whatever comes my way.
And despite the difficulties I encountered last week, all the feelings I didn't expect to have, I came through, sober. And I learned that I can trust myself to do the right thing. Finally.

Overwhelmed

Tonight I went to a gathering of all our old gang for my friends funeral tomorrow. I was actually excited to go and it was really great to see everyone. Many of these people I haven't seen in 12+ years. Some a little more, some a little less. I remembered everyone there which was something I was worrying a bit about. Sometimes, ok lots of times, I can't put the face with the name. I spent most of my time talking to her sister who is also a friend of mine & who informed me that she was tired of having things in common with me: our birthdays are close and now we have both lost our sister plus a few other similarities along the way. Luckily we've both also been able to be there for each other.
Ultimately it was exactly what I needed it to be I think. I got to see everyone. I got to spend a bit of time with Missy's sister & her mother. And I left when I thought it was time to leave and not a moment later. Suddenly I saw this bottle of Crown looking all pretty and sparkly and I don't even like Crown and I'd noticed the wine was flowing more freely & I knew the kiddos would need bed soon which meant mom & dads leaving and probably everyone else would be off to some bar. And there was a bit of sniffling. It is allergy season. But that is NOT what it made me think of. And so I found myself standing off from everyone & knew it was time to say my goodbyes.
I wasn't ready for all the emotions I would have after I left. The mood was somber there for the most part. Everyone happy to see each other but definitely affected by the circumstances. But while I have all those emotions I also had the emotions of being mad I was alcoholic. Wishing I could drink with them. Wishing I didn't have to separate myself. Knowing that I'm glad that life is behind me. Sad for multiple reasons. It's weird to be sad you can't drink & yet glad you don't at the same time. And then I realized that that part of my life is over and that made me sad too. Another realization was most of the time with that group I didn't feel totally like I fit in. While I was a part, I never totally felt a part. Actually Missy was one of the ones that always made me feel a part of. But I'm different. My life is different. And I like who I am. But sometimes I miss parts of who I used to be. Not that insecure girl or the girl at the end but that other one. But her fun loving spirit can live on in the girl I am now and it does, just in a different way. Tomorrow I'll have a whole new set of emotions to deal with I'm sure. As long as I deal with them and don't try to cover them up.

All That I'm Feeling & The One Thing I'm NOT!

It's been a hard day. Hell, it's been a hard week. This week I've found myself annoyed/angry/irritated on more than one occasion. I've shed tears more days than not and almost all of today. I've had trouble finding my center. I've been judgy when it was least appropriate (although I know it's never appropriate). And today I was overcome with grief.
I've been grieving all week really. Things are starting to happen and change and while I've been waiting for this moment and I'm excited for what is next, I'm still sad to put what I have behind me so to speak. But today's grief came at the loss of an old good friend. One of my old cohorts. While I haven't seen her in a couple of years it still hit me hard. She was a single mom and she left behind a little boy. And I know the pain that little boy will feel because my daddy died on Friday before Mother's Day also. And I know the sadness her sister will feel because I too have lost my only sister. In fact these 2 sisters were there for me when my sister died. And so today I grieved for Missy. And I grieved for her son, and her sister. I grieved for my sister and my father and my mother. I'm grieving for my life as I know it so that I can make room for what my life will become.  But while I was praying today I realized there was something I wasn't 'feeling' and that was the desire to drink or use. See in the past that would have been my first response. I probably would have popped another pill to calm my nerves (check out of my feelings) as soon as I heard. But not now. Now I get to feel it all. And I CAN feel it all and while I don't like it, it's not scary anymore. I know my feelings won't crush me. This to shall pass and I am the miracle happening at this very moment.