Trudging along

So moving. It's stressful. Things happen you don't foresee, both good & bad. I realized I hadn't been going to enough meetings before I left because I got a little crazed during the move. So the minute I got here, ok, the next day, I started going to meetings. I haven't been in California quite 2 months yet but I already have a great group of AA girlfriends, a new sponsor and am working on my 4th step. I KNEW I needed to get to working on steps quickly because I needed to work thru the crazy.
See I've been struggling because besides the stress of moving there is the stress of no money and looking for a job. I hate looking for a job. I hate the whole "pick me, pick me" mentality and feeling like the girl on the playground again. I hate selling myself and trying to make my spotty job history from my drinking days not look so spotty or irresponsible or undependable, especially now that I'm not that girl. Cause I'm not THAT girl anymore. And while I'm running around applying for this, that and the other job, I'm stuffing the fear and homesickness I'm feeling because I'm scared to feel them right now because I worry about teetering on the edge of 'darkness'. I keep thinking I'll deal with those feelings when I'm in a good i've-got-a-job place. Well guess what? I don't think that is the way it's going to happen. I think I need to deal with them now. Partly because they are being blatantly thrown in my face this week.
See one of my new friends here just lost her husband this weekend. I truly believe that one of the reasons I'm not gainfully employed yet is so I can help her thru this time. But helping her means that I also have to face my own past because the memories are flooding in. But I've faced this past before so I know it won't consume me. Just like I know that I don't have the luxury of being depressed or homesickness consume me anymore. I don't know why I try to stuff it, but I do. Old habits maybe. Fear definitely. And then I get mad at myself for having fear of the unknown when it's all new because I'm doing it all sober now. And do you see how I've turned what's happening to my friend into how it's affecting ME? LOL! Hi. I'm Susan and I'm an alcoholic. A SELFISH alcoholic. It is all about me right?
Anyway, what I wanted to say was how much I LOVE this program because I had the greatest conversation with her this morning about how she didn't feel like drinking because she KNEW that wouldn't make it better and that was the same feeling I had when my mom died when I was 2 months sober. How these things really are easier to just walk thru than stuff down deep inside. So while I have incredible sympathy for her and what she will be going thru in the next few months, I'm incredibly proud of her and her actions in this moment. And I miss my mom, my sister, my nana, my old routine and that's OK! I realized a while ago that homesickness is really just not wanting to walk thru whatever you are going thru at the time. It's wanting to go back to a place of certainty and familiarity. And someday THIS moment might be what is familiar.

Do You Trust Yourself?

One of my greatest fears in life is that I'll end up old or sick or both, living on the street, no one caring if I'm alive or dead or knowing I even exist let alone caring. Living under some bridge and eating out of dumpsters or in some broken down apartment eating cat food in order to pay for medicine. I know it sounds a bit crazy but you hear those stories on tv or in fictional shows or various places. I always think "what happened to their families?" Well my family has been dying off for years now and while I have some relatives I wouldn't call us close. So I worry what would happen to me if I was down and out again.
Why I have this fear I'm not really sure. Maybe because I've always had Nana (& Papa at one time) to fall back on and open their purse strings. Or my mom. They were always my soft place to fall and with Nana going to the nursing home and the sale of this house that 'place' will be gone. No more safety net to catch me. And while I think this should have happened YEARS ago, it's also a bit terrifying for me. Can I take care of myself when I'm not taking care of someone else? I mean, I've been taking care of Nana pretty much since I got sober and before that taking care of me, well I didn't always do so well in that department.
But that was then & this is now.
Now I'm sober and I've grown up a little.
At least I hope so.
Because now the only thing that will keep me from falling down the rabbit hole is myself. And God.
But last weeks events taught me a few things.
First & foremost it taught me to trust in my instincts. I KNOW when it's a good time to leave, or not to go at all. I know how to listen to my gut now and not ignore it. I KNOW what I need and what I need to do in times of trouble. And times when life is good. I KNOW that no matter how weird I feel that this to shall pass and I can just keep walking on thru to the other side. I already KNOW what that life is all about for me and that I don't want to be a part of it anymore. Active using equals depression and paranoia and fear and anxiety and soul sickness and lack of instincts and no self-esteem for me. Sobriety equals light and faith and self-awareness and good gut instincts and a higher power carrying me when needed. Sobriety does not mean an easy road, but it does mean I can handle whatever comes my way.
And despite the difficulties I encountered last week, all the feelings I didn't expect to have, I came through, sober. And I learned that I can trust myself to do the right thing. Finally.

Overwhelmed

Tonight I went to a gathering of all our old gang for my friends funeral tomorrow. I was actually excited to go and it was really great to see everyone. Many of these people I haven't seen in 12+ years. Some a little more, some a little less. I remembered everyone there which was something I was worrying a bit about. Sometimes, ok lots of times, I can't put the face with the name. I spent most of my time talking to her sister who is also a friend of mine & who informed me that she was tired of having things in common with me: our birthdays are close and now we have both lost our sister plus a few other similarities along the way. Luckily we've both also been able to be there for each other.
Ultimately it was exactly what I needed it to be I think. I got to see everyone. I got to spend a bit of time with Missy's sister & her mother. And I left when I thought it was time to leave and not a moment later. Suddenly I saw this bottle of Crown looking all pretty and sparkly and I don't even like Crown and I'd noticed the wine was flowing more freely & I knew the kiddos would need bed soon which meant mom & dads leaving and probably everyone else would be off to some bar. And there was a bit of sniffling. It is allergy season. But that is NOT what it made me think of. And so I found myself standing off from everyone & knew it was time to say my goodbyes.
I wasn't ready for all the emotions I would have after I left. The mood was somber there for the most part. Everyone happy to see each other but definitely affected by the circumstances. But while I have all those emotions I also had the emotions of being mad I was alcoholic. Wishing I could drink with them. Wishing I didn't have to separate myself. Knowing that I'm glad that life is behind me. Sad for multiple reasons. It's weird to be sad you can't drink & yet glad you don't at the same time. And then I realized that that part of my life is over and that made me sad too. Another realization was most of the time with that group I didn't feel totally like I fit in. While I was a part, I never totally felt a part. Actually Missy was one of the ones that always made me feel a part of. But I'm different. My life is different. And I like who I am. But sometimes I miss parts of who I used to be. Not that insecure girl or the girl at the end but that other one. But her fun loving spirit can live on in the girl I am now and it does, just in a different way. Tomorrow I'll have a whole new set of emotions to deal with I'm sure. As long as I deal with them and don't try to cover them up.

All That I'm Feeling & The One Thing I'm NOT!

It's been a hard day. Hell, it's been a hard week. This week I've found myself annoyed/angry/irritated on more than one occasion. I've shed tears more days than not and almost all of today. I've had trouble finding my center. I've been judgy when it was least appropriate (although I know it's never appropriate). And today I was overcome with grief.
I've been grieving all week really. Things are starting to happen and change and while I've been waiting for this moment and I'm excited for what is next, I'm still sad to put what I have behind me so to speak. But today's grief came at the loss of an old good friend. One of my old cohorts. While I haven't seen her in a couple of years it still hit me hard. She was a single mom and she left behind a little boy. And I know the pain that little boy will feel because my daddy died on Friday before Mother's Day also. And I know the sadness her sister will feel because I too have lost my only sister. In fact these 2 sisters were there for me when my sister died. And so today I grieved for Missy. And I grieved for her son, and her sister. I grieved for my sister and my father and my mother. I'm grieving for my life as I know it so that I can make room for what my life will become.  But while I was praying today I realized there was something I wasn't 'feeling' and that was the desire to drink or use. See in the past that would have been my first response. I probably would have popped another pill to calm my nerves (check out of my feelings) as soon as I heard. But not now. Now I get to feel it all. And I CAN feel it all and while I don't like it, it's not scary anymore. I know my feelings won't crush me. This to shall pass and I am the miracle happening at this very moment.

You Spot It You Got It

Nana has a UTI (urinary tract infection). Wednesday morning she woke up and couldn't remember why I was at her house and where my mom was or what my Uncle looked like. I told her that mom was gone and she broke down like it had just happened. Ops! She did remember that Papa was gone. I didn't know what the day would hold. But slowly that afternoon she started acting ok. Well, Thursday morning was more of the same. And then the afternoon came & I swear she was in the running for a Best Actress nod for an Imaginary Drama! She even produced real tears for something that she had totally dreamed up. See she is convinced that her diapers are cutting off her legs. I gave her some ice cream and the situation suddenly turned around. 
Today the ice cream didn't work. Today I luckily caught myself before answering &  just told her that mom wasn't here (she didn't ask yesterday luckily). I have a REALLY hard time with the whining. This also immediately makes me wonder how much I whine! You know that old AA saying: You spot it, you got it. I guess I'm probably whining now huh? See I've never really thought of myself as someone that was very patient. And I admittedly lose my temper rather quickly upon occasion. Granted this has improved greatly with sobriety & being a caregiver, but it still happens. I have a hard time sometimes with her not being an adult since she lives in an adult body, for the most part still anyway. I lost my temper because of the whining. And I get mad at myself for reacting. And I want to run away and leave this VERY HARD SITUATION behind. And then the quilt sets in. I swear I'm really Jewish or Catholic for the guilt I've felt in life. But honestly I'm doing the best I can. I got on the floor on my hands and knees and tried to turn it over to God. I could have 3ish more weeks of her acting this way because of this infection. I can't hold it together by myself. Only God can do it for me. So I'm hoping that this next week it's just His footprints in that sand. It was a bad day. Tomorrow is a new one. Hey, it's almost Nana's bedtime!

Grateful

Today I was overwhelmed by emotion.
Mainly gratitude.
Gratitude to God for progress, not perfection.
Gratitude for growth because of sobriety.
Gratitude that last week when my past was shoved in my face that I took it like an adult. I didn't like it, but I could see why the person was acting the way they were. I could see this because I have acted that way. I might act that way again someday too.
Gratitude that I could admit my mistakes and still hold my head up high.
See last week a conversation didn't really go my way. Some hurtful things were said to me. I stood up for myself which was major progress with this person. They usually are able to condense me to a pile of ruble in no time. But I didn't get mean & ugly back. I didn't throw at them all the things that has made me angry over the last 4 years. Hell, over the last 40 years. I stood up for myself without having to take them down. I wasn't always that way. Although I cried, and cried for many reasons, ultimately I could see what was driving the defensiveness and meanness that ensued.  I accepted this persons opinion although I did not agree. I trusted that I had done that right thing and was doing the right thing in the future. I was going about my plans in the right way too. I knew that I had to trust in my higher power because we had already talked about my decision. I've been listening. His answer has been consistent so there was nothing more I could do but trust so I did.
Today fences were mended. Transgressions forgiven. Futures planned. Bonds healed. Love & acceptance validated.  All because of faith and trust. ALL because of my higher power.
And for that I am grateful.

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

I didn't use to have many boundaries. A few but not many. I certainly didn't have them when it came to what came out of my mouth. I thought it was funny for a long time just saying what I thought.  Most of the time I was still holding back some too. People thought I was vulgar or had no tact and I thought they needed to get over themselves and that if people were more honest with each other than the world would be a better place.  I still think that truly, but now I realize the value of a little white lie or at least skirting the issue or of no response at all.  The ability of artfully changing the subject can be a wonderful skill. Twice this past week though I've pushed a little farther than I should have even though all the flags were raising in my head to stop. I ignored them and soldiered onward and both times I got a taste of my own medicine. A giant slap in the face of the truth as others saw it, and after some thought, I saw it too. 
First I let someone tell me that my personality invites trouble. I didn't really know what he meant at the time so I asked him to elaborate. This from a man that takes pleasure in causing controversy and seeing others squirm or angered.  This is his entertainment.  I know better than to engage with this person but here I was asking for him to explain himself. Now his reasoning I did not agree with and at first I was mad as he well thought I would be I'm sure. How dare he say that. He didn't understand. But yet he did exactly understand and so did I because by engaging in this conversation with him and ASKING him to elaborate I was definitely inviting trouble. I was letting him tell me about me when the man has never even asked me a question about myself.
The next episode started out of my need to feel better about myself and instead had the opposite effect.  I let some of my old behaviors show up. There are parts of me that I haven't really had to deal with much in sobriety yet living where & how I do.  See I thought I'd moved past this insecurity of being liked and wanted and I was glaringly reminded tonight that I am no where near being past that. Maybe I'll never be. I doubt I will ever be. But once again I ignored the flags raising in my head. Not once but 2 or 3 times I ignored them and pushed my toe into the water a little more each time. I let this person hurt my feelings.  Someone that hasn't even asked one question about me. But he saw my picture and decided that I was not only older but also out of shape and carrying some extra weight. Yes I'm overweight. It's certainly not something I like about myself but I am trying to change it. How he said it wasn't really mean but the sentiment was very clear. I let something fun go to far because I wasn't sure how to make that boundary and I ignored all the warning signs and I got my little feelings hurt.  But I'm not even mad at him.  He was being who he was, just as I had always been in the past. As he said, "I'm just stating the truth" and that he was. But the truth hurts sometimes. Me saying I'm aging and overweight is one thing. You telling me I am is completely another. See we have the little white lies we tell ourselves too.  Those are probably the most dangerous ones. I KNOW I'm overweight but my head says I'm not THAT fat.  I don't look like THAT! My head says I still have a pretty face (despite my double chin).  I take my picture to hide my body or my double chin as much as possible. That's the lie I try to tell to the world. 
The scene left me literally speechless. Spouting rude retorts didn't seem appropriate and any witty comeback left me immediately. I decided to say nothing. End of conversation. I also decided that I needed no future interactions with that person.  I don't need other people bringing me down or just being rude for the sake of being blunt. More lessons to learn.  More work to do. More encouragement to change the things I can. I can't change the aging. It's a part of life and I'm happy with that part so far. But I can and am trying to change the weight, the way I let others affect my feelings about myself, the way I listen to the red flags and the warning signs, the way I work on my recovery.  Those are things I can change.

The hardest thing

The night my mom & I had to turn off my sister's life support, well I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever do. And at the time it was, but I also knew at the time that it was the right thing and according to her doctors the only thing to do. Alison would never be the girl she once was and leaving her on life support wouldn't be what she wanted. Plus 4 of 5 doctors said it went against their medical vows to try to further treat her. So that decision had boundaries. And even though I felt a lot of guilt for a long time after that I also knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
Then I gave up drinking and eventually smoking. Now that was difficult in it's own way's for sure but for me neither was a physical dependence at the time. I was certainly mentally dependent on both. And with sobriety came even more smoking at first. No one there was going to nag me about smoking. But I'd always said I'd have to give up alcohol/drugs to quit smoking so smoking more, which I was, seemed a little ridiculous and I got sick and I quit. Now I did relapse one weekend but I stopped everything again just a couple of days later. Those acts were hard but it's been staying sober at times that has probably been the hardest. Learning to live with my feelings and actions and dealing with life on life's terms. There are still many times I'd like to check out of my feelings but now I just take a nap, say a prayer and they usually pass.
But here I am again. Making difficult decisions. I don't really LIKE making hard choices. I want to know what the future holds first. But we all know that's not the way it goes. We have to make hard choices on blind faith. That's what is different now in my decision making. Today I have the faith. Today I can also feel it in my gut. When I choose to move here a little over 4 years ago, just recently sober, I had resisted for a while but God was pretty much leaving me no other choices. And when I finally made the decision things just started falling into place. I also shed a lot of tears which I didn't understand at the time but later realized I was grieving. Grieving the dreams and ideals I had when I was drinking. I know, what drunk has dreams and ideals, but I think for a lot of us the lack of achievement of those dreams and ideals helps us on our path of addiction.
I've made a decision. A hard decision. An even harder decision for me to carry out. But since I made the decision in my soul the doors are opening and the support is unfolding and my soul knows it's right. My emotions on the other hand are going to struggle. I'm going to spend the next few months of carrying out this plan grieving for a lot of things. Even though I know it's right I'm going to struggle with some guilt. Guilt that I'm sure somewhere down the line I'll be able to let go of because I'll be able to finally see, looking back, that it was the right decision to make. But making it and carrying it out are going to be hard. I'm going to grieve. I'm putting my grandmother in a nursing home. I had hoped God wouldn't make me make this decision. That He'd make it easy on me and let her pass in the night. That might still happen and I largely think God needed ME to come to this point for Him to carry on. I think He's been waiting on me to catch up because I've known for a while now that Nana hasn't still been here for herself. She's still been here for me. And maybe the others. Maybe I need to leave so they can have their time with her. I don't have that answer yet.
What I know right now today in this moment is it's going to be hard. Hard to give up the most consistent place in my life, this home and that woman. With that is the end of tradition and security and a sense of safety and roots. Lives will be cleaned out, boxed up and many things discarded. Loved animals will have to be given away. Many difficult decisions and moments lie in my future. Right now it will be the hardest thing. To say goodbye. To walk away. To pursue my future. To learn to stand on my own & face the unknown. I'm scared. I'm excited. I have hope. I have fears. But for once my FAITH in the future outweighs all those fears and this is a spot I haven't really experienced much before. But my soul knows it's right. My soul knows it's going to also be difficult. Is it the hardest thing I'll ever do? I don't know. I know it will be the hardest thing I do right now.