The hardest thing

The night my mom & I had to turn off my sister's life support, well I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever do. And at the time it was, but I also knew at the time that it was the right thing and according to her doctors the only thing to do. Alison would never be the girl she once was and leaving her on life support wouldn't be what she wanted. Plus 4 of 5 doctors said it went against their medical vows to try to further treat her. So that decision had boundaries. And even though I felt a lot of guilt for a long time after that I also knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
Then I gave up drinking and eventually smoking. Now that was difficult in it's own way's for sure but for me neither was a physical dependence at the time. I was certainly mentally dependent on both. And with sobriety came even more smoking at first. No one there was going to nag me about smoking. But I'd always said I'd have to give up alcohol/drugs to quit smoking so smoking more, which I was, seemed a little ridiculous and I got sick and I quit. Now I did relapse one weekend but I stopped everything again just a couple of days later. Those acts were hard but it's been staying sober at times that has probably been the hardest. Learning to live with my feelings and actions and dealing with life on life's terms. There are still many times I'd like to check out of my feelings but now I just take a nap, say a prayer and they usually pass.
But here I am again. Making difficult decisions. I don't really LIKE making hard choices. I want to know what the future holds first. But we all know that's not the way it goes. We have to make hard choices on blind faith. That's what is different now in my decision making. Today I have the faith. Today I can also feel it in my gut. When I choose to move here a little over 4 years ago, just recently sober, I had resisted for a while but God was pretty much leaving me no other choices. And when I finally made the decision things just started falling into place. I also shed a lot of tears which I didn't understand at the time but later realized I was grieving. Grieving the dreams and ideals I had when I was drinking. I know, what drunk has dreams and ideals, but I think for a lot of us the lack of achievement of those dreams and ideals helps us on our path of addiction.
I've made a decision. A hard decision. An even harder decision for me to carry out. But since I made the decision in my soul the doors are opening and the support is unfolding and my soul knows it's right. My emotions on the other hand are going to struggle. I'm going to spend the next few months of carrying out this plan grieving for a lot of things. Even though I know it's right I'm going to struggle with some guilt. Guilt that I'm sure somewhere down the line I'll be able to let go of because I'll be able to finally see, looking back, that it was the right decision to make. But making it and carrying it out are going to be hard. I'm going to grieve. I'm putting my grandmother in a nursing home. I had hoped God wouldn't make me make this decision. That He'd make it easy on me and let her pass in the night. That might still happen and I largely think God needed ME to come to this point for Him to carry on. I think He's been waiting on me to catch up because I've known for a while now that Nana hasn't still been here for herself. She's still been here for me. And maybe the others. Maybe I need to leave so they can have their time with her. I don't have that answer yet.
What I know right now today in this moment is it's going to be hard. Hard to give up the most consistent place in my life, this home and that woman. With that is the end of tradition and security and a sense of safety and roots. Lives will be cleaned out, boxed up and many things discarded. Loved animals will have to be given away. Many difficult decisions and moments lie in my future. Right now it will be the hardest thing. To say goodbye. To walk away. To pursue my future. To learn to stand on my own & face the unknown. I'm scared. I'm excited. I have hope. I have fears. But for once my FAITH in the future outweighs all those fears and this is a spot I haven't really experienced much before. But my soul knows it's right. My soul knows it's going to also be difficult. Is it the hardest thing I'll ever do? I don't know. I know it will be the hardest thing I do right now.