You Spot It You Got It

Nana has a UTI (urinary tract infection). Wednesday morning she woke up and couldn't remember why I was at her house and where my mom was or what my Uncle looked like. I told her that mom was gone and she broke down like it had just happened. Ops! She did remember that Papa was gone. I didn't know what the day would hold. But slowly that afternoon she started acting ok. Well, Thursday morning was more of the same. And then the afternoon came & I swear she was in the running for a Best Actress nod for an Imaginary Drama! She even produced real tears for something that she had totally dreamed up. See she is convinced that her diapers are cutting off her legs. I gave her some ice cream and the situation suddenly turned around. 
Today the ice cream didn't work. Today I luckily caught myself before answering &  just told her that mom wasn't here (she didn't ask yesterday luckily). I have a REALLY hard time with the whining. This also immediately makes me wonder how much I whine! You know that old AA saying: You spot it, you got it. I guess I'm probably whining now huh? See I've never really thought of myself as someone that was very patient. And I admittedly lose my temper rather quickly upon occasion. Granted this has improved greatly with sobriety & being a caregiver, but it still happens. I have a hard time sometimes with her not being an adult since she lives in an adult body, for the most part still anyway. I lost my temper because of the whining. And I get mad at myself for reacting. And I want to run away and leave this VERY HARD SITUATION behind. And then the quilt sets in. I swear I'm really Jewish or Catholic for the guilt I've felt in life. But honestly I'm doing the best I can. I got on the floor on my hands and knees and tried to turn it over to God. I could have 3ish more weeks of her acting this way because of this infection. I can't hold it together by myself. Only God can do it for me. So I'm hoping that this next week it's just His footprints in that sand. It was a bad day. Tomorrow is a new one. Hey, it's almost Nana's bedtime!

Grateful

Today I was overwhelmed by emotion.
Mainly gratitude.
Gratitude to God for progress, not perfection.
Gratitude for growth because of sobriety.
Gratitude that last week when my past was shoved in my face that I took it like an adult. I didn't like it, but I could see why the person was acting the way they were. I could see this because I have acted that way. I might act that way again someday too.
Gratitude that I could admit my mistakes and still hold my head up high.
See last week a conversation didn't really go my way. Some hurtful things were said to me. I stood up for myself which was major progress with this person. They usually are able to condense me to a pile of ruble in no time. But I didn't get mean & ugly back. I didn't throw at them all the things that has made me angry over the last 4 years. Hell, over the last 40 years. I stood up for myself without having to take them down. I wasn't always that way. Although I cried, and cried for many reasons, ultimately I could see what was driving the defensiveness and meanness that ensued.  I accepted this persons opinion although I did not agree. I trusted that I had done that right thing and was doing the right thing in the future. I was going about my plans in the right way too. I knew that I had to trust in my higher power because we had already talked about my decision. I've been listening. His answer has been consistent so there was nothing more I could do but trust so I did.
Today fences were mended. Transgressions forgiven. Futures planned. Bonds healed. Love & acceptance validated.  All because of faith and trust. ALL because of my higher power.
And for that I am grateful.

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

I didn't use to have many boundaries. A few but not many. I certainly didn't have them when it came to what came out of my mouth. I thought it was funny for a long time just saying what I thought.  Most of the time I was still holding back some too. People thought I was vulgar or had no tact and I thought they needed to get over themselves and that if people were more honest with each other than the world would be a better place.  I still think that truly, but now I realize the value of a little white lie or at least skirting the issue or of no response at all.  The ability of artfully changing the subject can be a wonderful skill. Twice this past week though I've pushed a little farther than I should have even though all the flags were raising in my head to stop. I ignored them and soldiered onward and both times I got a taste of my own medicine. A giant slap in the face of the truth as others saw it, and after some thought, I saw it too. 
First I let someone tell me that my personality invites trouble. I didn't really know what he meant at the time so I asked him to elaborate. This from a man that takes pleasure in causing controversy and seeing others squirm or angered.  This is his entertainment.  I know better than to engage with this person but here I was asking for him to explain himself. Now his reasoning I did not agree with and at first I was mad as he well thought I would be I'm sure. How dare he say that. He didn't understand. But yet he did exactly understand and so did I because by engaging in this conversation with him and ASKING him to elaborate I was definitely inviting trouble. I was letting him tell me about me when the man has never even asked me a question about myself.
The next episode started out of my need to feel better about myself and instead had the opposite effect.  I let some of my old behaviors show up. There are parts of me that I haven't really had to deal with much in sobriety yet living where & how I do.  See I thought I'd moved past this insecurity of being liked and wanted and I was glaringly reminded tonight that I am no where near being past that. Maybe I'll never be. I doubt I will ever be. But once again I ignored the flags raising in my head. Not once but 2 or 3 times I ignored them and pushed my toe into the water a little more each time. I let this person hurt my feelings.  Someone that hasn't even asked one question about me. But he saw my picture and decided that I was not only older but also out of shape and carrying some extra weight. Yes I'm overweight. It's certainly not something I like about myself but I am trying to change it. How he said it wasn't really mean but the sentiment was very clear. I let something fun go to far because I wasn't sure how to make that boundary and I ignored all the warning signs and I got my little feelings hurt.  But I'm not even mad at him.  He was being who he was, just as I had always been in the past. As he said, "I'm just stating the truth" and that he was. But the truth hurts sometimes. Me saying I'm aging and overweight is one thing. You telling me I am is completely another. See we have the little white lies we tell ourselves too.  Those are probably the most dangerous ones. I KNOW I'm overweight but my head says I'm not THAT fat.  I don't look like THAT! My head says I still have a pretty face (despite my double chin).  I take my picture to hide my body or my double chin as much as possible. That's the lie I try to tell to the world. 
The scene left me literally speechless. Spouting rude retorts didn't seem appropriate and any witty comeback left me immediately. I decided to say nothing. End of conversation. I also decided that I needed no future interactions with that person.  I don't need other people bringing me down or just being rude for the sake of being blunt. More lessons to learn.  More work to do. More encouragement to change the things I can. I can't change the aging. It's a part of life and I'm happy with that part so far. But I can and am trying to change the weight, the way I let others affect my feelings about myself, the way I listen to the red flags and the warning signs, the way I work on my recovery.  Those are things I can change.