Sometimes the Truth Hurts

I didn't use to have many boundaries. A few but not many. I certainly didn't have them when it came to what came out of my mouth. I thought it was funny for a long time just saying what I thought.  Most of the time I was still holding back some too. People thought I was vulgar or had no tact and I thought they needed to get over themselves and that if people were more honest with each other than the world would be a better place.  I still think that truly, but now I realize the value of a little white lie or at least skirting the issue or of no response at all.  The ability of artfully changing the subject can be a wonderful skill. Twice this past week though I've pushed a little farther than I should have even though all the flags were raising in my head to stop. I ignored them and soldiered onward and both times I got a taste of my own medicine. A giant slap in the face of the truth as others saw it, and after some thought, I saw it too. 
First I let someone tell me that my personality invites trouble. I didn't really know what he meant at the time so I asked him to elaborate. This from a man that takes pleasure in causing controversy and seeing others squirm or angered.  This is his entertainment.  I know better than to engage with this person but here I was asking for him to explain himself. Now his reasoning I did not agree with and at first I was mad as he well thought I would be I'm sure. How dare he say that. He didn't understand. But yet he did exactly understand and so did I because by engaging in this conversation with him and ASKING him to elaborate I was definitely inviting trouble. I was letting him tell me about me when the man has never even asked me a question about myself.
The next episode started out of my need to feel better about myself and instead had the opposite effect.  I let some of my old behaviors show up. There are parts of me that I haven't really had to deal with much in sobriety yet living where & how I do.  See I thought I'd moved past this insecurity of being liked and wanted and I was glaringly reminded tonight that I am no where near being past that. Maybe I'll never be. I doubt I will ever be. But once again I ignored the flags raising in my head. Not once but 2 or 3 times I ignored them and pushed my toe into the water a little more each time. I let this person hurt my feelings.  Someone that hasn't even asked one question about me. But he saw my picture and decided that I was not only older but also out of shape and carrying some extra weight. Yes I'm overweight. It's certainly not something I like about myself but I am trying to change it. How he said it wasn't really mean but the sentiment was very clear. I let something fun go to far because I wasn't sure how to make that boundary and I ignored all the warning signs and I got my little feelings hurt.  But I'm not even mad at him.  He was being who he was, just as I had always been in the past. As he said, "I'm just stating the truth" and that he was. But the truth hurts sometimes. Me saying I'm aging and overweight is one thing. You telling me I am is completely another. See we have the little white lies we tell ourselves too.  Those are probably the most dangerous ones. I KNOW I'm overweight but my head says I'm not THAT fat.  I don't look like THAT! My head says I still have a pretty face (despite my double chin).  I take my picture to hide my body or my double chin as much as possible. That's the lie I try to tell to the world. 
The scene left me literally speechless. Spouting rude retorts didn't seem appropriate and any witty comeback left me immediately. I decided to say nothing. End of conversation. I also decided that I needed no future interactions with that person.  I don't need other people bringing me down or just being rude for the sake of being blunt. More lessons to learn.  More work to do. More encouragement to change the things I can. I can't change the aging. It's a part of life and I'm happy with that part so far. But I can and am trying to change the weight, the way I let others affect my feelings about myself, the way I listen to the red flags and the warning signs, the way I work on my recovery.  Those are things I can change.