Overwhelmed

Tonight I went to a gathering of all our old gang for my friends funeral tomorrow. I was actually excited to go and it was really great to see everyone. Many of these people I haven't seen in 12+ years. Some a little more, some a little less. I remembered everyone there which was something I was worrying a bit about. Sometimes, ok lots of times, I can't put the face with the name. I spent most of my time talking to her sister who is also a friend of mine & who informed me that she was tired of having things in common with me: our birthdays are close and now we have both lost our sister plus a few other similarities along the way. Luckily we've both also been able to be there for each other.
Ultimately it was exactly what I needed it to be I think. I got to see everyone. I got to spend a bit of time with Missy's sister & her mother. And I left when I thought it was time to leave and not a moment later. Suddenly I saw this bottle of Crown looking all pretty and sparkly and I don't even like Crown and I'd noticed the wine was flowing more freely & I knew the kiddos would need bed soon which meant mom & dads leaving and probably everyone else would be off to some bar. And there was a bit of sniffling. It is allergy season. But that is NOT what it made me think of. And so I found myself standing off from everyone & knew it was time to say my goodbyes.
I wasn't ready for all the emotions I would have after I left. The mood was somber there for the most part. Everyone happy to see each other but definitely affected by the circumstances. But while I have all those emotions I also had the emotions of being mad I was alcoholic. Wishing I could drink with them. Wishing I didn't have to separate myself. Knowing that I'm glad that life is behind me. Sad for multiple reasons. It's weird to be sad you can't drink & yet glad you don't at the same time. And then I realized that that part of my life is over and that made me sad too. Another realization was most of the time with that group I didn't feel totally like I fit in. While I was a part, I never totally felt a part. Actually Missy was one of the ones that always made me feel a part of. But I'm different. My life is different. And I like who I am. But sometimes I miss parts of who I used to be. Not that insecure girl or the girl at the end but that other one. But her fun loving spirit can live on in the girl I am now and it does, just in a different way. Tomorrow I'll have a whole new set of emotions to deal with I'm sure. As long as I deal with them and don't try to cover them up.