It's been a hard day. Hell, it's been a hard week. This week I've found myself annoyed/angry/irritated on more than one occasion. I've shed tears more days than not and almost all of today. I've had trouble finding my center. I've been judgy when it was least appropriate (although I know it's never appropriate). And today I was overcome with grief.
I've been grieving all week really. Things are starting to happen and change and while I've been waiting for this moment and I'm excited for what is next, I'm still sad to put what I have behind me so to speak. But today's grief came at the loss of an old good friend. One of my old cohorts. While I haven't seen her in a couple of years it still hit me hard. She was a single mom and she left behind a little boy. And I know the pain that little boy will feel because my daddy died on Friday before Mother's Day also. And I know the sadness her sister will feel because I too have lost my only sister. In fact these 2 sisters were there for me when my sister died. And so today I grieved for Missy. And I grieved for her son, and her sister. I grieved for my sister and my father and my mother. I'm grieving for my life as I know it so that I can make room for what my life will become. But while I was praying today I realized there was something I wasn't 'feeling' and that was the desire to drink or use. See in the past that would have been my first response. I probably would have popped another pill to calm my nerves (check out of my feelings) as soon as I heard. But not now. Now I get to feel it all. And I CAN feel it all and while I don't like it, it's not scary anymore. I know my feelings won't crush me. This to shall pass and I am the miracle happening at this very moment.
Macro condensation
6 years ago
THAT is one of the most powerful posts I have read in a REALLY long time. I'm so sorry for your losses, and at the same time, I'm so VERY proud of you for the place you are in right now. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud Susan that you have reached this place. I can hardly imagine what you are feeling. I remember when my father passed away, but to have so much loss is hard to fathom. It has been so long since we have been in touch, but know that I think of you.
ReplyDelete((((Susan))))I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling. My whole life I was always uncomfortable with the grief of others – I would be the sort of person that would cross the street rather than speak to someone that I knew had suffered a tragedy, purely because I just did not know what to say. Today I still have trouble knowing what to say, but I will not cross the street from you – because I realise that sometimes all any of us ever needs is a ((((hug)))) and to know that we are not alone . . . . that other people really do care that we are hurting . . . even if they cannot fix our hurt and pain or bring back to us the person that has gone.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if you have ever read The Shack by W.M Paul Young? It´s the most incredible book and has offered comfort to so many people who have experienced the loss of a loved one. If I were only allowed to choose 2 books to take me through the rest of my journey in life it would be the Big Book of AA and The Shack.
Thank you for commenting on my blog Susan. I´m originally from the UK. I don´t have a sponsor as such – I have others in recovery that I speak to via Skype . . . 3 in particular who have been incredibly supportive and have loved me enough to tell me what I need to hear. I honestly think my Higher Power put me in exactly the right place for me to get sober. I believe that I am the sort of stubborn alcoholic who would never have sought and found a power greater than vodka if I´d had the option of attending meetings. Being so isolated I had no choice in the end but to seek God . . . . . I was completely blown away with wonder when I actually found Him!!!
I don´t attend online meetings but I did use an AA forum every day for more than 12 months – I have got slightly disillusioned with a little too much disturbance and fighting on there of late and stopped using it. A few days ago I found a wonderful site called Friends Of Bill. Here is the link to my profile. Hope you will come and join . . . . . . I´m getting a little addicted to it!! ;-)
http://www.friendsofbill.net/profile/RachelG
I´ve not worked out if I can actually email you privately through your blog, but we could do that if you would like to through Friends of Bill.
God bless
Rachel